Blue Point crab, Bruno Pinchaletta, was the meanest, biggest, baddest , mother fucker that ever squirted sideways in the brackish waters of the southern Chesapeake bay. The super jumbo sized crustacean ran the biggest pinching racket on the US's east coast outside of the White House's Secret Service pinching the local scenery in Columbia.
Unlike the Secret Service, Bruno's gang did much more than just pinch buns and, unlike the US Secret Service, they didn't pay a cent for any of their pinches.
Bruno's gang was notorious for committing the most horrendous crimes. It was not unusual for some sleeping baby to be pinched clean of his or her pacifier, pampers and wipes. Heck, Bruno even added insult to injury by popping the kid's balloon and then pinching his big toe before retreating back into the bay waving a big Number One foam finger with a bikini top and bottom on it that he had previously pinched from a Virginia Tech co-ed.
Well, I wasn't there to see it, but it was horrible especially since I was not there to see it.
Things were good for Bruno until one day, while he was looking rather pink, he started to molt right in front of his gang which he kept in line by terrorizing them with his huge bulk and wavering pinchers. He was in the middle of a self improvement speech about always pinching first and eating the pinched parts later.
"It was unbelievable", exclaimed Bruno number 2 guy Gary Squisher. "In the middle of his speech Bruno just came out of his shell. It was then that everyone started shouting 'Softy! Softy, and then, everyone started stripping him to pieces and eating him".
"Thinking back on it, we should have figured it out all along because whenever Bruno started looking pink, he would claim that he had a really bad stomach flu and head to the outhouse for a couple of days. He would always emerge bigger and badder than when he entered. The tip off was Bruno never took an extra roll of toilet paper with him when he went into the shitter".
"Well, I guess I got to go now", said number two guy Gary Squisher who was looking kind of pink. "I have a really bad stomach flu and I'm going to be in the shitter for a bit, but I am taking with me a fresh roll of toilet paper".
Unfortunately for number 2 guy Gary Squisher, the CIA had him hit with a terrorsistity type missile that was full of Old Bay seasoning that ended up putting on the menu at Grog' Crab Shack.
In other news, Bruno's remaining gang has announced that the number 2 guy will now be called a number 1 and 7/8ths guy.