'We must ensure a future for our children'
Nottingham University's Professor Grimesworthy Ph.D gave a speech to the Muggedanddrugged Lane Community Association last week in Nottingham.
He arrived at the centre, parked up his Range Rover, posed for the press photographs, and entered the shed.
He was welcomed at the 15 seated Le Grand meeting hall at the side of the disused and fire-bombed Radford Road Police Station next to the torched police vehicle compound, and was introduced to the audience gathered, by Bartholomew Utterswaithe (66), the Centre's caretaker and treasurer.
The lecture was entitled 'We must ensure a future for our children'
"We must" he began, "learn from the past, and ensure the future of our children."
"Already we have used up the natural resources of this planet at an alarming rate... and the death of our planet is imminent!"
A belch from tattooed lady in the front row caused a little tittering at this point.
"We must coerce the Governments to reinvest in space exploration - for there is no other choice available to us, than to find a planet where our future populations can live, thrive and reproduce, for the existence of our species."
Someone's mobile rang out, and a voice was heard saying "Yea yea yea innit... ten spiff's okay..."
Professor Grimesworthy continued, "So precious to the human race are our children, that nothing is too expensive or good for them - for they are our very future..."
He waited momentarily for signs of appreciation and applause from the audience that didn't come, just a few schwishing sounds from the opening of cans of beer.
Professor Grimesworthy continued again, "It is our responsibility, after the mess our and previous generations have made of this worlds resources, to commit ourselves to providing the young of our planet, with the capability and reality of precious survival..."
Someone passed wind, and a Big Issue seller entered the hall.
At this point the door flew open, and in ran a Community Police Officer, and whispered into Mr Utterswaithe's ear.
Mr Utterswaithe then whispered into Professor Grimesworthy's ear.
Professor Grimesworthy then ran outside to find his Range Rover on bricks, the wheels stolen, the music centre removed, and he saw the graffiti momentarily through the flames scrawled on the doors.
Professor Grimesworthy turned red in the face and screamed out: "The little B_____rds!"