Bill: Hello there, and welcome to Birdwatching. My name's Bill Palmer.
Kenneth: And I'm Kenneth Purves.
B: We're here at Dorking Reservoir, it's a real top place for birdwatching and having a lark. We've got our little hide, Ken's got his thermos of coffee so we're all ready for a good night's twitching.
K: I'm hoping we'll see lots of birds tonight.
B: Well, Ken, this here reservoir used to be a nudist colony. Always been good for the birds. I remember the first time I came here, I caught a little thrush.
K: How did that go?
B: It cleared off. Now Dorking reservoir is best known for its tits. Great tits, white tits, brown tits, all sorts.
K: It's a bit nippy out, I expect we'll see some blue tits too.
B: Yes. And if you're lucky you might see a cockatoo. Now I'm just going to get my equipment out ready for a bit of twitching.
K: They don't call you the tripod for nothing.
B: Mind me third leg. I'm just going to shove it in here. There. Now I've got to screw it in, nice and tight.
K: While you're doing that, I'll explain about our programme. Whenever we see a bird, we has to call it out, and try to get a photograph of it.
B: That's right, Ken. But if it's a bit quiet we just has a bit of a chat.
K: How is your wife? I hear she don't like you birding so much any more.
B: No, she don't like me coming here at all. She said she wanted to...
B: Oh, yes, so it is. No, but my wife. She's always com...
B: You're sharp-eyed tonight, Ken. As I was saying, my wife is always complaining about my birdwatching. I don't know why.
K: Is she still controlling your food?
B: Yes, the only thing she'll let me have in the fridge is...
B: No, my sausages. But she only hates me birdwatching, she doesn't mind the birds at all. Why, just the other week we had a lazy jay in our garden, she were properly calm after that.
K: My Bernard is the same. You know we got our civil partnership last week.
K: Well there's no need for that kind of language. He's a very nice man. He's got a lot to offer.
B: Short-head chaffinch!
K: No, he's bigger than that. Do you know what he did for me last week?
B: Jackdaw! Over your face.
K: No. That's fowl.
B: It's a game cock actually.
K: Certainly is.
B: Great bustard!
K: My Bernard's been in trouble with the police lately though. The other week he got...
B: Spotted robin!
K: No, he was speeding in his car.
B: He'll be a jail-bird then if he's not lucky.
It's getting a bit quiet out there. Sometimes during these moments, me and Ken will have a game of chess. Here's the board. Now where were we?
K: Oh, over there. Is that your tern?
B: No, I remember I captured your rook.
K: You captured my Black Kevin?
B: Of course not. Christ, you're raven-mad, you are.
K: No need to crow about it.
B: But they're mean. I don't know why you keep those hard corvids.
K: Oh, them! They're special import, from Amsterdam.
B: What! Oh, look at that, is that a woodpecker?
K: It is a pecker. Look at him go!
B: He's ramming his head into yon bush. I bet that'd hurt.
K: There's a fly-catcher next to him.
B: Better be careful. You don't want your pecker getting caught with the fly-catcher.
K: No, he's zipped up and away now.
B: That was a close one. Ooh, have a gander over there.
K: That's not a gander, it's a goose. Watch out! It's coming this way.
K: No, it was definitely a goose. It went right over us. What did you think it was?
B: Eider, big one.
K: So you keep saying.
B: Have you still got that cat?
K: Yes, Tigger. He really loves birds, he does.
B: What does he do when he catches them?
K: He mews.
B: Blimey! I didn't know you got them up your way. I remember seeing your cat. Strange thing. It really smelt funny, a bit like...
B: No, it wasn't that bad. Oh wait, I've got to take a picture of this one.
K: I see it. Did you get it? Did you get the hornbill?
B: No, it's just the way I'm sitting.