Editor's Note: President Barack Obama not only drinks beer (like a regular Joe); he brews beer in the White House. This so intrigued Fr. Francois Dubois, S.J., Political-Sex Writer for theSpoof.com, that he wrote to the President to invite him for an interview to run here--And to play Beer Pong at the Convent of the Queer, in Goldang, West Virginia. The President accepted. What follows is the Obama Beer Pong Interview.
CONVENT OF THE QUEER, WV (ABSNN)-The Convent of the Queer is a Jesuit hide-away high in the rolling West Virginia hills just outside the village of Tornado, West Virginia. At this retreat, Jesuits contemplate the meaning of life while doing hard, physical labor. I am a Jesuit. I am also a writer for theSpoof.com. Knowing of the President's fondness for pale ale, I invited him to our home to talk about his plans for his second term, and to play Beer Pong.
President Barack Obama visited our retreat Thursday afternoon to grant an exclusive interview to me. The only rules he imposed was that we also invite the Republican nominee, Mitt Romney, and the three of us would play beer pong until only one of us was still standing, at which point the winner would become President of the United States. I could be President???
Governor Romney declined the invitation citing his Mormon faith's prohibition of consumption of alcohol. He did say he would come if we substituted Caffine Free Coke (of which he has stock), but I had to draw a line in the sand. Beer Pong is played with beer.
Beer Pong is played much like horseshoes. Or skeeball. Players stand (for so long as they can stand) at opposite ends of the table before ten 16.8 ounce glasses of beer arranged in a pyramid. You take turns throwing five or six balls, and if your pitch lands in one or more glasses of your opponents beers, he is forced to chug them down.
Dubois: Thank you for coming Mr. President. Please pitch first.
Obama: The hell with the game; let's chug beer and talk.
Each of us chugged three beers.
Dubois: Does anything about Mr. Romney truly frighten you?
Obama: He is a clown. I've always had an abnormal fear of clowns.
Dubois: In your first debate, is there anyway Mr. Romney can suprise you?
Obama: If he shows up in a clown suit, I'm outta there!
We chug three more beers.
Obama: Can I ask you a question?
Obama: Why do you guys wear the funny dresses?
Dubois: I cannot speak for the other Jesuits here, but I am forced to buy second-hand outfits at Goodwill. It is so hard to find nice clothes there that fit.
Obama: Where is the pisser? I gotta go.
Dubois: Just outside will do fine.
Obama: Back in a flash.
After each of us had consumed nine or twenty more brews, I made my questions harder.
Dubois: What is your favorite color?
Dubois: What is your favorite Reality Show?
Obama: Glenn Beck.
Dubois: How will you fix the economy?
Obama: I'll print more money.
Dubois: Are you a Muslim?
Obama: Nope, a Democrat.
Dubois: Were you born in Hiwyeeee?
Obama: My birth certificate says so.
Dubois: Do you think Secretarty of State Clinton's ass is too big?
Obama: I like big asses on a woman.
Dubois: What is your greatest political acheivement?
Obama: Being elected hall monitor in grade school.
Dubois: Can you bring about world peace?
We chigged tenf mobeers.eses.
Obama: You're gonna piz uit.
Dubois: You're gonna hurl.
Obama: That nun is pretty cute.
Dubois: That nun is a priest.
Obama: Then I am drunk.
The President passed out. By the rules of the game, I am now President of the United States.