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Thursday, 13 September 2012

image for Zombie Apocalypse is actually the Second Coming, Jesus reveals Jesus is 'not a zombie', he is simply 'made flesh', and perhaps not as fresh as he once was

In a surprise appearance last week, a man claiming to be Jesus revealed that the much anticipated 'zombie apocalypse' of 2012 is actually a mis-communication of the intended 'Second Coming'.

Jesus explained that they (the Holy Trinity) realised that if the Son of God were to turn up looking 'normal', He might not be taken seriously and most likely ignored (or sectioned if the NHS could be bothered). Also the whole 'virgin birth' thing didn't quite have the legs it used to. So God decided to take the novel step not having is son 'born again', but to send down the last one resurrected.

"Dad sort of hoped that way that I might be more easily recognised, but we realised that the media of the day had made a bit of a pig's breakfast of some of the scriptures". Though he felt his likeness was captured pretty well in some of the posher stained glass windows. "and Michaelangelo gets points for making me look quite buff" smiled Jesus, diffidently.

"But no, we said that the Christ Resurrected would be a pretty good miracle, and the scientists would be sufficiently stuffed by how a 2000 year old corpse was functioning to put beyond all reasonable doubt that I wasn't an imposter. We also decided to dig up the original disciples as they would be more credible in spreading the message".

Jesus has been complimented, that despite losing his looks somewhat, he still was vaguely recognisable as a human being, if a bit scrofulous and 'goth-trampy'. He credited his only slightly suppurating skin to liberal application of Boots Bio Oil 'like new mums use on their stretch marks these days - wonderful stuff!". He also said that here is an added benefit that if he gets crucified again this time "I won't feel a thing, I lost the last functioning nerve ending sometime round the 1960s."

"Imagine my annoyance when the plan got fucked up by these kids with the whole 'zombie' idea",said Jesus slapping his forehead, then bending down absently to retrieve several bits. "So I thought I had better come down slightly early and put the record straight".

When asked how it was going Jesus admitted to a shaky start.

"It hasn't helped that bloody Judas keeps sticking his arms out and yelling 'BWAAIINS' just to impress the girls".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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