Written by Quentin Muffin
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Tags: Scotland

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Following last weeks extraordinary revelations made by Sean Connery and Alex Ferguson that the Scots invented the world and the wind, during their love-in with Andy Murray, we asked you yesterday how much you know about Scottish inventions? Here are the answers. How did you do??


Anaesthetics.
TRUE
Most doctors are Scots and still employ the technique of putting patients to sleep by droning on about how it's their oil and everything is the fault of the English and Thatcher destroyed their industry and tested the hated poll tax on them and ...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Decimal point
TRUE

But what's the point?

Dolly the sheep (cloned mammals)
FALSE

If it wasn't invented by a Welshman I'm Sean Connery's codpiece.

Fax machines
FALSE

These automated female self-gratification devices were actually invented by Dick Van Dyke in a sordid basement of his Amsterdam home. Oh, you said Fax?

Golf
TRUE

Golf: the favoured pursuit of old men calmly waiting for death. It's incredible that nobody ever thought about knocking a ball about with a stick before.

Logarithms
TRUE

... and all of us that were born before calculators were invented hate you for it.

Mackintosh raincoats
TRUE

It's amazing that no-one had thought of putting something waterproof on before going out in the rain before.

Penicillin
FALSE

Penicillin is just what you find growing on forgotten slices of bread stashed in the back of the bread bin. We could all make that claim.

Refrigerators
FALSE

Refrigerators were actually invented by someone who lives in a warm country. Stands to reason dunnit!

Steam engine
FALSE

The steam engine is simply an adaptation of the kettle and the kettle was invented by an Englishman to facilitate the making of an excellent brew of tea. The kettle can be found in every household around the world and the steam engine? The steam engine can only be found in museums and country fayres with some oil begrimed eccentric sat atop holding up all the traffic.

Telephone
FALS
E
The telephone was invented by the same bloke that invented television, I think. It was the Scots that invented reverse charge calling.

Thermos flask
TRUE

You've just got to keep that deep fried mars bar warm somehow.

Television
FALSE

Television was invented by an Italian geezer. Logi Baird invented Boo Boo and had a penchant for stealing grub from food hampers.

Breech loading rifle
FALSE

Scotsmen wear kilts, not breeches, everyone knows that. So that's a definite non-starter.

The Telegraph
TRUE

But they also invented the Scottish Mercury so it kind of balances it out, doesn't it.


Radar
FALSE

Radar, more commonly known as Pong, was invented by some oriental and was the favoured pub pastime for 1970's disaffected youth.

Macadamised roads
TRUE

... But it's just a mixture of stones and tar innit. I mean, come on!

Marmalade
FALSE

Marmalade is nothing more than orange jam and jam was invented by Mrs. Tuttleby, an English spinster and chair of the WI in 1846.

Iron Bridges
FALSE

Have they never been to Ironbridge in Shropshire where the first iron bridge was built? The clue is in the place name.

Pneumatic tyres
TRUE

After all, they did invent the wind.

So How did you do?

11-20: Och aye la noo, Hoots mon (input your own stereotypical Scottish phrase here)

0-10: yer nae more than a wee, thick sassenach saftie!

Thanks to WWW Edinburgh Scotland for the original list of inventions @ http://www2006.org/top20/inventions/

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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