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Tuesday, 11 September 2012

image for Tales from the journal of seminal explorer Dr David Livingstone An artist's impression of Dr David Livingstone (between wanks)

Feb 23 1853
After a great journey through the jungle, we finally laid eyes on the most splendid water-fall I have ever seen. It stands over 100 yards high, and I have named it after our glorious Queen.
We took a brisk lunch of crumpet and tinned marmalade, after which I ascended the great watery cliff face. How joyous it was to observe the view from such a height, and to feel the breeze from so high up in the air.
I could not resist touching my horn until I ejaculated man fluid into the great river flowing far below me. I dare say I must be the first man ever to have knocked one out over that enormous precipice.

Mar 5 1853
We ventured further into the jungle where we met the Um Bongo tribe. They do look silly with their big hats and nose rings, but they produce a most excellent fruit drink.
Their King offered me one of his wives, and as it had been some time since I had even seen a woman, or more presciently, since I had relieved my manly essences, that I could not resist spanking my badger for a good few minutes, before unleashing ribbons of life's juices onto the dusky maiden's lovely skin. She didn't seem to mind a bit.

Mar 17 1853
Today we encountered a lion. It was a huge beast, magnificent, terrifying and resplendent.
I shot the bastard dead in the face.
It is not the first time I have killed such a beast, and I am sure it will not be the last. To slaughter such a monster gives one a tremendous pride, an excitement that it is almost impossible to describe. So thrilled was I with blood lust at the pleasure of the kill, that I just couldn't resist having a quick tug at the victory over the poor animal.

Mar 24 1853
Stanley, that American tosser, has somehow located us. What the bloody hell is he doing in the jungle?
This morning, it was peaceful and still. It was not raining, for the first time in days. I was on my knees in my tent enjoying a quick mid-morning shuffle, when Stanley barged in on me. As soon as he espied me polishing my helmet he exclaimed, "Dr Livingstone, I presume," as if I'm the only man who pleasures himself thusly.
I got my own back on him though - I shot my man-gravy right in his eye.

May 6th 1853
Our voyage is over, and we set sail for England. What a great many extraordinary sights we have come across.
I hope that this diary will record for posterity how amazing our journey has been - descriptions and drawings of the many sights and new discoveries, as well as some personal touches. I do apologise for all the pages which are stuck together, and I hope that one day the pages can be prised apart from their stickiness, that the world may one day learn our full tale.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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