Written by Inchcock
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Wednesday, 12 September 2012

image for Verbal sounds emanating from Bartholomew Utterswaithe's bedroom? Where the mystery sounds emanated from...

Nottingham's Senior Citizen Bartholomew Utterswaithe's, was heard in his bedroom this morning.

The verbal sounds that emanated from that room, were weird, hard to describe and lasted for a good two minutes or so.

I will attempt here to reproduce them in written form, for I would like to know exactly what it was he was doing, and thought someone might be able to inform me.

I, incidentally am his neighbour. (I know... but I do not seek your sympathy... really).

0640hrs:
Argh... hup... hup... hup!..shit, (passing of wind from the anus) damn, argh!, ouch, bugger it... hup, ooh, owh.. sod it... ohh, ohohoh... arhahah, gotcha, phoor.

0642hrs:
Oooh, ach... come one!... hup, hup... shit!... arhahah... hup, argh sheee, ow!... (belch) hup... owerr, ach! a bit more... argh! Gotcha! - I'll 'ave to 'ave a cuppa now, phwer!

I have since ascertained what it was he was trying to do, please do feel free to have a guess what it was he was up to, before you scroll down to have a look at what it was he was actually doing....

He was putting his socks on!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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