I have had a very hectic few days and must apologise for the lack of Newsletters. This is partly because my visit to Greece (the Faliraki Economic Conference) took several days longer than expected, as you may have discovered by reading last week's copy of the Krupton News and other rags. I just wish I had been given the opportunity to explain things in more detail before they published. But the gutter press is only interested in scandal.
Let me point out immediately that I was not playing Strip Snooker as someone reported. Neither was I scooped up and thrown in the back of a Greek ambulance for falling asleep on the beach. No, my arrest by the Greek police and temporary incarceration in a Greek prison cell was part of a cleverly organised plan that I had worked out well in advance. It all formed part of my social and economic research.
But as I am now back and Parliament has re-opened and, once more, I've started to catch that infernal train up to London each Monday morning, I think it is now time for me to present the facts. This is in not only to preserve my own dignity you understand but to re-invigorate my re-election campaign which might have been thrown off course by the recent reports about Faliraki.
Anthea (my PA and Research Assistant) returned to England a few days before me. This was not because I had sacked her due to incompetence and repeatedly poor performances as one newspaper suggested in their sordid fashion, but because I needed someone not so easily recognisable by the public to carry my dossier of evidence through customs at Luton Airport. This will be scanned and then uploaded onto KelpiLeaks in due course.
Far from under-performing,I have found Anthea very innovative and she had clearly done far more research in the past that I was unaware of when I appointed her. I stayed behind in Faliraki for a few days to recover.
I also stayed on because I had not printed off my return air ticket so had to rebook my flight. I thought electronic tickets meant paper wasn't needed any more but that Irish upstart who owns the airline didn't seem to agree.
By the way, part of the dossier Anthea carried back contains evidence of strange accounting practices within the tawdry, budget end of the airline industry.
We now know exactly how he finances the purchase of his gaudy fleet of toilet-less aircraft with their wide doors (that enable the loading of travellers two-by-two like animals entering Noah's ark) and the thousands of tiny chairs he fits inside them. It all makes very interesting reading and KelpiLeaks has it all. He'd better watch his step. I'm going to Dublin shortly to finish the research. I will be staying with a friend of my Italian MP friend Milton Mancini who has an Italian friend who runs an Irish pub that serves excellent Guinness.
Are you following me?
I have to admit, however, that another reason why I stayed on in Faliraki longer than planned was because I had nothing to wear. This was nothing to do with Anthea but on this occasion I had not packed my usual navy blue suit and collection of colourful ties.
Partly, you see, I had needed to fit everything I took into my lap top bag and this also might need explaining.
Being seen leaving my Krupton constituency with anything as big as a suitcase was bound to start local gossip and I did not want to face suggestions that domestic bliss within the Kelp household was a thing of the past. An MP has to maintain appearances if only superficially. But, between you and me, I was glad to get away as I swear my wife's voice has risen by an octave during July and August as I tried to find excuses to avoid visiting her mother in Macclesfield.
The important thing was that I needed to take some simple disguise with me and I found I was able to cram all this into the laptop bag.
Disguise is essential for the founder of any website like KelpiLeaks and, in this case, the disguise consisted of two pairs of Bermuda shorts, a pair of Boots the Chemist sunglasses, a blonde wig from Krupton Hairdressing salon and some long, grey socks. This was in order to blend in with the Greeks so that I could study human behaviour in times of austerity and belt-tightening. The Greeks, you see, have been ordered by their German masters to live without food and even basic healthcare essentials like paracetamol tablets as I discovered.
At three o'clock one morning I came across Dimitri Kyriacou scouring the waste bins behind the Happy Beach Hotel looking for leftover scraps of pitta bread and tatsiki. Dimitri eventually formed an essential part of my research as we sat and chatted about Greek austerity for an hour or so by the bins and shared the dregs of Metaxa from the bottle I was carrying with me. Dimitri was an unemployed clerk from the local Job Centre as they don't have any jobs left.
Another reason for my delayed return (which wasn't picked up by the press) was that I had second thoughts about trying to check in at the airport with no ticket and wearing only a damp towel and flip-flops as I'd mislaid the Bermuda shorts, sunglasses and wig.
But my use of disguise has given me some fresh ideas for new, social research in the UK. I am now planning to disguise myself as an elderly resident of Grey Gables (Krupton's Old People's Home) to see what it's like to be force fed Digestive biscuits every three hours, be drowned in cups of tepid, milky tea, be referred to as "sweetie" and "dearie" and have the backs of my hands stroked.
I'll report on this shortly. However, this will be after I've fully recovered from Faliraki.
In re-reading this Newsletter now, I realise it is not up to my usual standard. I may still be suffering from jet lag and the cultural shock of returning to Krupton.