Written by PP Rega
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Tags: Bible

Monday, 3 September 2012

image for Fishes and Loaves Or Vice Versa

Time: 32 CE
Place: On a hillside in Judea

Judas
Peter!

Peter
Hi, Judas. Problem?

Judas
Where have you been?

Peter
What do you mean?

Judas
What do you mean what do I mean? Where were you?

Peter
Oh, here and there.

Judas
Don't be so disingenuous with me, Peter. Remember, I knew you when you were just Simon.

Peter
OK…OK…. I was with the in-laws. So, crucify me. Now, what's got your sandals in a snit?

Judas
Look around. See anything unusual?

Peter
Besides those people going up the hill?

Judas
I mean exactly those people going up the hill. Know where they're heading?

Peter
Why don't you enlighten me?

Judas
He did it again, Peter.

Peter
He? He who?

Judas
He…Him….Our Lord and Master!

Peter
Exactly what did He do?

Judas
He invited everyone in the town for a sermon today.

Peter
That's nice.

Judas
Nice?

Peter
That's the business we're in, Judas….or did you forget?

Judas
But we didn't know…

Peter
I knew.

Judas
You knew? And you didn't tell us?

Peter
Slipped my mind.

Judas
Slipped your mind?

Peter
Well, I don't walk on water, you know.

Judas
We know. We know.

Peter
I make mistakes.

Judas
Well, this one's a doozy.

Peter
Judas, what is really troubling you? Tell me.

Judas
Look, Peter. Look at all of them. Maybe the whole town's coming out.

Peter
I see, I see. Looks like The Word is finally getting out.

Judas
That's fine….but look at that crowd. See anything that bothers you just the least little bit?

Peter
Not really. In fact, this is just beautiful seeing them all come to hear the Son of God speak.

Judas
Don't get me wrong. I don't disagree. But isn't there anything unusual about the crowd? With what they're wearing....or carrying?

Peter
Hmmm.....no....no, it all looks like what we all always wear: robes, headscarves, staffs; things like that. Oh, some are bringing their donkeys and sheep and such. Is that what you mean?

Judas
Are they carrying anything else? Anything resembling a backpack or thermos?

Peter
No, Judas; And while I appreciate your anachronistic sense of the absurd, I fail to catch your drift.

Judas
Food, Peter. Food.

Peter
What about food?

Judas
They don't have any.

Peter
So?

Judas
So, how do you think they'll take it when they start getting hungry and we have no food to offer?

Peter
Lilies of the Field, Judas. Lilies of the Field.

Judas
Now, stop it, fella. I have to take that from Him, but I don't need to hear it from you too.

Peter
But...

Judas
Their bellies will start growling and way before that damn camel gets through the eye of that needle, they're going to get pissed and wander off. Or they'll start dropping like flies. Then all He'll be really preaching to will be the Lilies of the Field.

Listen, Peter. I'm trying. I'm really trying to work all this out. But it's getting hard. I needed you today, but you weren't there.

Peter
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Judas, old man. But you have to have faith.

Judas
I do, but only so far. Anyway, when you weren't here, I was forced to make a decision and get the Boys rounding up some food for everyone.

Peter
Wonderful, Judas. I'm proud of you. It'll happen.

Judas
Not if you ask Thomas.

Peter
I'm not surprised. He always sees the wine jug as being half-empty. Anyway, before you kill yourself, I hear them coming.

Some of The Apostles appear from off-stage carrying or pulling large wicker baskets. Heigh-Ho is on their lips. They all greet Peter and Judas quite happily.

James and John, Sons of Zebeedee
Our problems are over. We have enough food to feed Caesar's legions.

Judas
Wonderful, guys. After you take a breather. Take all this to Andrew up there with The Master. Make sure Andrew gives a bit more to the old ones and the babies.

Peter
No, wait. Too much. Way too much.

Judas
Too much?

Thomas
I doubt if even this load is enough.

Peter
No. I said it's way too much.

Judas
So? You say it's too much. You and who else? I repeat: So?

Thomas
Sorry, Peter. I'm going along with Judas on this one.

Peter
So? So, who's going to be Pope?

John
You, Peter.

Operative word: Sheepish

Peter
Now, that we have that settled. Begin taking all this away until I tell you.

Matthias
This?

Peter
That.

Thomas
This too?

Peter
Yes

John
Go on, men. He's our Rock. Let's get rid of all this.

Time passes. The food baskets are gone save one small one.

Peter
What's left?

Judas
All I'm seeing is two fish and five loaves.

Peter
Perfect!

Thomas
Now what?

Peter
Well, get it up to Him.

Turning to Judas with a wink
Now watch.


Exeunt

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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