All competitors must bring their own medical kits and have personal injury insurance.
The games will be held on the village green so space will be limited.
Mrs Spong has begun heating the village pond with kettles of hot water. No urinating please.
Diary of Events:
09:00hrs: Kick the cat over the neighbour's wall (Manx cats are banned from this event)
09:30hrs Lamp Post leaning (Alcoholics and prostitutes Division)
10:00hrs Mock the Disabled (No profanity please)
10:30hrs Jump the Duck Pond
(Please ensure you can swim)
11:00hrs Badger thumping
(Badgers must take an eight count)
12:00hrs Live chicken plucking
(Blow torches are banned)
12:30hrs Burst the colostomy bag (OAP must be standing)
13:00hrs Insult the Tourist (Only French or German please)
13:30hrs Skip through the mine field
(No boots please)
14:00hrs Leap the Lesbian
1500hrs Chase the burglar (No weapons to be used)
15:30hrs Squeeze the Bulls testicles (5yr olds must wear helmets)
16:00hrs Avoid the raging Bull
(5ry olds must wear helmets)
16:30hrs Hedgehog Bashing (No sledgehammers)
17:00hrs Avoid the village idiot
(He will be in the park)
The games will end with a gala celebration including Mr Compot and his banjo Bangers. Mrs Morris sings the blues. Mr Morris sings Lady Gaga. Ethel Thimb and her one legged chickens. Village Gay pride Cottagers. The Dyslexic Jozz Bind. Square Head Jug eared farmers boy dancers. Mr Joston and the Sheep Back Peddlers display team. Mr Ali Bazzar and the Al Qaeda Fireworks Display Company.