I was stuck in an elevator with two women. From nowhere an odious smell crept up my hooter. One of the women, a middle aged type with horned rimmed glasses looked at me with disgust. Not wanting to cause a fuss I kept my mouth shut and carried on looking at the ceiling hoping the smell would dissipate and the Engineer would rescue me from this mechanical prison cell.
However, the smell became stronger giving Mrs Miserable Twat another reason to look at me with those sneering eyes. I thought, fuck this, I'm not being blamed for something I have not done so looked her in the eye and said; "Listen, Miss, I did not create the odour that is now melting your nasal senses, if you care to sniff my arse you will find I am speaking the truth".
To my surprise, she bent forward and nosed my rear end. She straightened up and apologised. The two of us now turned our attention to the third member of our trio. A petite blond who was so thin she looked like she was about to snap. The poor girl did not know where to look or what to say, she just looked at the floor and began to snigger. The snigger became a laugh she threw her head back and shouted at the top of her voice; "Mother, how many times have I told you about emptying your colostomy bag before going out!?" Stunned was not the word, I thought the girl had lost the fucking plot horned rimmed Mary began to shake so much the elevator was rocking to and fro. "How dare you talk to me like that Marigold!" shouted the Mother.
I found myself a corner and waited for the punch up to begin. Where do you hide in an elevator? Anyway, they turned to face each other the blond poked her finger into mothers face and said; "You do this on purpose, to shame me in front of people" she then throws a look at me which means I am now involved. The mother pokes the daughters chest and shouts; "I knew you hated me, it's not my fault I had to have my bowel removed!" Now I get a look from the mother as if to ask for help sorting this tyrannical daughter out. Marigold looks her mother up and down and goes for gold; "You did not have your bowel removed, they fitted the bag as a temporary measure, that was a year ago and you will not let them remove it because you are a cantankerous evil old trollop that enjoys causing trouble wherever you go!" Mother now turns to me and asks; "Would you talk to your mother like that? I ignore the question and look at my watch which tells me I have been stuck in the elevator for half an hour. My meeting is in twenty minutes so hopefully the bloke fixing it will get his arse in gear and I will not be late. Why I am thinking Marigold fires another salvo at her mother. "Don't involve this man, you have already been rude to him and embarrassed him with your antics, it is you that has stunk the elevator out and now you are trying to get sympathy from a stranger" Mother turns beetroot red and puts her nose to Marigolds nose; "Listen to me you anorexic vegetable chewing fucking twat, I have these problems because I gave birth to you! And now you treat me like this?" Mother turns to me and says; "Stitched my bowel to my intestines they did, nearly done for me not that she or her father give a damn about how unwell I have been, he's off playing golf and madam here wants to go shopping do they sound like loving caring people to you?" I look at my watch again ten minutes to deadline for god's sake get me out of this fucking madness.
As Marigold is about to tear another strip from mother, the elevator shudders into life and we start to climb. Within seconds, there is a "Ding" and the doors open. I leave the two women standing in the elevator and make my way to the office of Arnold and Co. Before knocking on the door I decide to go into the bathroom and freshen up, it would not do to go selling my services stinking of shit. Ablutions out of the way it's onward and inward. I adjust my tie and knock on the office door. From within comes a muted; "Enter" I open the door and walk in.
I am greeted by Marigold; she does not raise an eyebrow but leads me through reception and into an office where mother is seated behind a large oak desk. "Good afternoon Mr Sledge, glad you could make it, would you like some tea?"