Helloo. My name is Reverend Tougal McDougal, and I'm the resident vicar here at the Scottish Presbian Church of Kirkintilloch.
I am often asked, why are Scots so cheap? Why are we so sparing with oor money? I'm asked this at least a dozen times each service. People come to me and say, "Tougal! Can ye spare us a penny for an eighth of an ounce of porridge oats? Can ye lend us a boab for a bucket of skag?" Of course I always refuse.
But it's got me to thinking. I rarely spend money. I'm very meticulous about my spending, I always keep track of it in my notebook. Whenever I spend a penny I write it doon. Hoho, that was my little joke there. I learned that from the master of mirth, Gordon Brown.
According to my notebook, from March 3rd this year until July 24th, I spent a total of 7 Scottish shillings. Now that's not much at all. Most of it was on cups of tea and deep fried food. So it is true that I could be accused of living up to the stereotype of the frugal Scot.
However, on the 25th of July, for no apparent reason, I bought myself a large bottle of whisky and drank the lot. I'm not sure what happened while I was under the influence - the handwriting in my notebook gets a bit sloppy here - but it appears that I blew a couple of poond on a prostitute and a bathtub of Irn Bru.
Now, I'm not condoning my behaviour. I was out of order. I have birched myself many times as punishment for my misdemeanour. But I think it quite conclusively proves that us Scots can not be easily stereotyped.
This has been my sermon for the day. Now piss off ye bastards.