Announced Tuesday, August 28, the current GOP platform strides boldly toward a new vision of progress, plus addresses the nation's essential problems.
- Marriage will be defined as one man and one woman, preferably white, Republican, and combined income above $150, 000 annually.
- Abortion will be illegal throughout the land, including "legitimate" rape where instinctual female physiology failed to block the assaulting sperm, because the female was actually enjoying the attack instead of resisting it.
- A new EZ-OFF product featuring a sterilized coat hanger will be investigated as sufficiently sanitary before approval to assist economic growth in low-income communities.
- School reform will include mandatory attendance in morning, afternoon, and evening classes (a minimum 12 hour scholastic day), plus emphasis on the holy significance of sex education to assure production of "legitimate" babies vs. recreation.
- In support of "American exceptionalism" and global modeling, the GOP will seek confrontations with Iran, North Korea, and China in order to "restor[e] as a principle objective the (sic) deterrence using the full spectrum of our military capabilities."
- To control excessive spending, the military budget will be expanded, as with continuing in Afghanistan until at least 2040.
- Global warming will not be considered threatening, and has no bearing on increased carbon ppm in the atmosphere, the severity of storms, or droughts and food shortages, plus melting ice. As the keynote speaker put it, "Americans are battlers, not weak-kneed pussies bowing down to a couple of hurricanes."
- Continued extrapolation of "black gold" wherever it can be found on the planet will be a foremost GOP goal, vital to the oil companies and the backbone of the American recovery.
- Assistance to businesses seeking to re-locate to other countries in order to avoid paying taxes will be available through a special hot line to GOP congressional offices.
- Obama-care will be immediately rescinded and replaced with the same system currently in place, including tax cuts and subsidies to the health insurance, pharmaceutical, and medical establishments.
- Medicare, medicaid, and social security will be scrapped and replaced with vouchers citizens can use in their local casinos.
- Arizona and Alabama will be the foremost models for new legislation throughout the fifty states to control the flow of immigrants, legal or illegal.
- Ownership of guns and ammunition by Americans will be increased through a new amendment to require of all residents mandatory weapons and regular workouts at local firing and home militia ranges.