Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Wednesday, 29 August 2012

image for Ron & Fred on New Technology - and Milk (Part Two) 11, Downing Street.

"You're right Ron, they just throws yer a few peanuts whereas in the old days a person would be sellin' 'em outside the dog tracks makin' a decent livin' oudavit."

"And avin some self respect Fred. Kids at school t'day aint taught no proper trades, just 'ow t' tap-tap-tap on a computer keyboard. The old milkman felt 'e was doin' somfing wiv a purpose, providin' a useful service to 'is community. Makes a person 'appy that does."

"No wonder yer don't 'ear people whistlin' any more."

"Fridges n big plastic bottles of milk at the supermarkets aint the only cause ov it ov course."

"Them cartons ov long life milk as well yer mean?"

"No, I aint referrin' t' them Fred, what I'm referrin' to is the income tax mallarkey. Yer see avin dun away wiv the milkmen, and avin t' keep the price ov milk in the supermarkets a bit cheap so's to avoid avin riots on the streets, well the Chancellor ad a moan abaht it 'cause 'e wasn't gettin' any income tax from 'em no more, in fact there was a bloody long line ov 'em signin' on n wantin' a bit ov dole money."

"So the Chancellor's losin' out both ways."

"Exactly. And that milkman's son aint gonna take over the rahnd when the old man gets old is 'e, 'cause there aint no bloody rahnd there for 'im t' take over. They're goin' straight on the dole soon as they leave school."

"I don't reckon the Chancellor was 'appy wiv that Ron. Them sorta people are only 'appy when they see lots of income tax money rollin' in through the door."

"They don't like it at all Fred. Take that geezer we've got in there now at number eleven, 'e aint doin' no whistlin' mate. In a right old tizzy 'e is, tryin' t' juggle the figures t' get more money comin' in than goin' out, but 'e can't do it Fred. I mean, when Cameron told 'im 'e could av the job ov Chancellor 'e must av fort 'is bloody lottery numbers ad come up. This is alright, he fort, I'll take a few suitcases there each day 'nd av it away wiv a few million quid each week, stick 'em in the boot ov the car and bury 'em somewhere safe in Eppin' Forest. Instead there's so little money comin' in that they've ad t' stop payin women a pension when they're sixty."

"Everyone does it Ron. I dare say those milkmen years ago ad a few little scams goin' on. Like I said, they was always whistlin' like they was 'appy baht sumfing. I reckon they all ad their little wangles. Makes the world go rahnd that does. Human nature that is, Ron."

"Way fings a goin', if the Chancellor don't get more money comin' in through the door soon 'is world will be comin' to a bloody full stop!"

"Won't be the milkmen's fort, world was still spinnin' rahnd when they was thrown off it."

"World War Two killed a lot of the British youngsters as well Fred. Meant that by the sixties we ad loads ov pensioners but not enuff younger people out there workin' and payin' in the income tax t' pay fer those pensions. That was when the guv'ment all got be'ind closed doors to av a little chinwag. Best way rahnd this they said is to invite a load o' foreigners over 'ere, young ones, like. Pulled a fast they did, tellin' the public there was lots ov work needin' doin' whereas by then there was ardly any ov the bombed out 'ouses left t' rebuild. Fing is Fred, fact ov the matter, is that they knew the immigrants would be creatin' their own jobs once they was 'ere and, wait for it......payin' income tax!"

"Used to av a little blue bag ov salt in the packets ov crisps back in the sixties."

"Crisps? Salt? Oh yeah, so they did Fred."

"You'd av t' giv 'em a good shake after puttin' the salt in uverwise y'd stick a crisp in yer maff wiv no salt on it at all and the next one would be covered in it. Then you'd av t' take a big gulp of Tizer."

"(Burp)."

"My mum liked the cheese n onion when they came out, but I preferred salt n vinegar meself. I liked Tizer, and Cream Soda. Used t' get a few pennies back on the bottle wiv the Tizer."

"Yeah.... so anyway, in came the foreigners Fred. But from ev'ry ten ov 'em there'd only be abaht two actually doin' a job that needed doin' before they got 'ere. All the uvvers were creatin' there own little comminities and gettin' jobs in them. Well, stands t' reason, theys gonna want their own grub, not cod n chips. They want their mangos n yams. Well, they're either openin' up restaurants or gettin' jobs in 'em mixin' up the 'erbs n spices for the curries. Chancellor's larfin' 'is 'ead off aint 'e, 'cause they're all payin' income tax. Killin' 'imself wiv larfter 'e was. It's comin' in from all angles mate, there's enuff t' giv the old age pensioners a few quid t' buy their tea n bottle of milk and loads left over t' chuck in the boot ov 'is car."

"Well it didn't last. Milkmen were still arahnd at that time Ron, they were frown on the scrap 'eap more arahnd the early seventies they was. Still whistlin' before then they was."

"I know mate, that's the next bit I'm comin' to, but I'll get me rahnd in first 'cause we could both do wiv a refill."

(to be continued...)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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