Written by Hankthird
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Wednesday, 21 February 2007

I Surrender!

I have been thinking about the war with militant Islam for some time. It is clear to me that the American public no longer has the will to resist, and from my military training I know that means that we, the US, the Christians, the people wanting peace, have lost. We should sue for peace, but there is no one to negotiate with and certainly no one of honor that would or could guarantee such a peace. They do preach that it is OK to lie to infidels as well as kill them out of hand, so I have no idea how to treat with them any more than our government does.

So I surrender. Lacking anyone to surrender to, I am going to go a little farther and turn my coat. From this day forward, I am a Muslim militant! Reason is out; violence is more powerful.

I know you are going to ask how I can do that, having only the vaguest ideas of the religion. I do know that for centuries they offered conquered people their lives if only they would convert, in fact they have done so recently in Iraq with the Fox News correspondents they captured. I know that no practical religious training accompanied that "conversion" so I figure I can label myself Muslim truthfully since I have surrendered. Well, of course I don't have to tell the truth to you infidels, but that's another story.

Having become Muslim, I can assure myself of attaining heaven! I no longer have to be a "good" person, merely a "holy" one. The 9-11 hijackers drank beer at a Florida Hooters enroute to heaven, so their religious laws are not of much importance compared to the holy fervor of killing unarmed civilians. I mean, what's a little detail like alcohol or wiping your ass with the wrong hand compared with the greater good of jihadist mass murder? You can say the same for insignificant social goals like literacy, employment, equal justice and science. It is not important if the entire planet is reduced to subsistence farming and feudalism as long as Allah is top dog and no one disputes it. What do we terrorists care about quality of life? I spit on your Western standards as weakness. And when we are unable to feed so many billions of people on earth it will make it easier to ensure that the survivors are Muslim like me.

Fundamentally, all I have to do is blow myself up along with a lot of unaware people of any religious association including agnostics and other Muslims and I'm off to heaven to enjoy my 72 virgins. Now I've been wondering about their seemingly endless supply of virgins. Does it include children? Maybe they just reseal them, I don't know. Is it heaven for the virgins too? Or something else? I have enough trouble with just one woman, but I am sure that Chauvinism is not a sin to Islam, so I won't actually have to talk to them. I think this is probably similar to the mystery of the Holy Ghost. Just believe and all will be well.

Now you Westerners must guess what my demands are and meet them or I will destroy myself and lots of other people with no warning. I will not negotiate with you. Fear my wrath! And I may change my demands if by chance you should meet the original, secret demands.

I think I can do well as a suicide bomber, since I don't fit the profile and they won't be looking for me. I'm far too old to have the usual religious zeal, but that means I have grandchildren to celebrate my martyrdom, and I won't have to put up with these old age aches and pains much longer.

Where to pull the pin becomes the question. Think about the feeling of power you would have walking around the mall knowing that all you see will be affected by your suicidal impulse. Do I blow up the pretty girl who might be rude to me, or the people who are already rude? Cut in front of me bellowing on your cellphone? Boom! Picture my beatific smile as I go to my reward. Or maybe I'll just pick the unmannered teenagers who dwell at every mall. Better would be their parents who never taught them to be polite to strangers, but my fragmentation pattern is already too small for them all.

I think that in the end it is best to be traditional and make that statement where the most people will appreciate it. I thought of Iraq, but that's been done over and over. Iran is my idea. Those people will appreciate my heroic statement more than the Christians, and it is clearly OK to kill people of my own religion. Time to bring a little up-close and personal religion to that short little asshole president there, let him learn what holy war is all about and meet Allah sooner than later. That's it, a mosque in Iran! Maybe with a big truck! Going out in style. Paradise here I come. I believe I'll have a margarita with my virgins.

My brigade doesn't have a videotape machine, so I hope they will accept my written testimony of my holy purpose in lieu of visual evidence. I have had the epiphany; it is better to blow up people who might disagree with me than talk reason to them. I hope many more of you Westerners will convert and join me in my holy march to Iran.


Hank Hoffman
Muslim terrorist
Aka: Ibin Comeen Feryu


PS Do contact me if you want to join my jihad brigade. Lots of positions are available, but time is limited. No moral fiber, scruples or personal hygiene required.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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