This new interview just in from roving reporter Pepe Warezabar-this time with the US President himself! We are almost 100% sure the following meeting took place at Maggie Mae's Saloon on 14th Street, in a city that must remain anonymous.
As usual Pepe relied on the assistance of a small recorder behind one ear for a full and objective accounting of the exchange.
The president and Pepe have kept in touch since the 1980s as college students, but Pepe was a little stunned by the appearance of the man who slipped up beside him at the bar and ordered a glass of tea. He was not only furtive but wearing a mini-stetson and blue bandana across his nose, plus of course the dark plus wraparounds.
Pepe: Wow, Barry. I wasn't sure it was you!
Barry: Shhh! [the President put left forefinger on lips] Don't use my name! Call me Bear.
Pepe: All right, can do, Bear. [har har har] That mini-stetson and the blue bandana across the nose fooled me. You borrowed this profile from George Junior?
Barry: Yeah, well- [nervously, the President turned left and right on his bar stool] The sunglasses are Hillary's idea, but I couldn't go for the full burka and pretending female. At least not yet.
Pepe: What's the story, here, Bear? I've heard rumors you're on the lam. [har har har]
Barry: Have to be. He's after me. [ha ha ha-the President's laugh drew stares along the bar, including Maggie Mae herself, polishing a pitcher, but he immediately ducked his face.]
Pepe: Well, now, Bear, I mean-
Barry: It's ridiculous, these charges that I'm in violation of the National Defense Authorization Act, because of all these Al Qaeda types with the rebels there in Syria and surrounding areas. I have specifically indicated [he stabbed right forefinger into the bartop] that the aid we're offering is non-lethal!
Pepe: Well, now, Bear, you know we've always had these friendly arguments. I mean non-lethal what does that mean? Words can be lethal or non-lethal, can't they? So how do you define non-lethal? It looks like a slippery slope.
Barry: Damn right it's a slippery slope, and when I say HE is after me, you know who I"m talking about, don't you?
Pepe: Well, that would have to be the Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces. [har har har] Yourself!
Barry: Correct. If I'm in violation of the NDAA I need to be taken out pronto, no habeus corpus, no hearing, plus direct to Guantanamo and interrogation on what else I know.
Pepe: But no waterboarding, I think. Just kidding, Bear! [har har har]
Barry: Ouch! But held indefinitely, that's for sure. Can you imagine? I tell you it's a first amendment thing, and I have a right to it as much as anybody! I'm speaking plain. Non-lethal means it's just verbiage you can blow this way or that way. We're not putting deadly force into the hands of Al Qaeda. [pause] We're helping Saudi Arabia and Qatar do that.
Pepe: Really, tho, Bear, why are we over there? How is Syria any of our concern? And please don't give me this Hillary Clinton democracy stuff.
Barry: Now hold on, Pepe. I tell you-officially, and that's all anyone needs to know-we're just doing intelligence, radio equipment, a few how-to guides on cooking in the desert. No big deal.
Pepe: But the problem is the newest intel from Syria shows Al Qaeda is all over the rebels, and they've been faking massacres and such to make Assad look even worse, plus to bring in suckers from the west to supply aid, including bazookas, rockets, and machine guns. So when Hillary has been talking about how Assad must go, and the protesters must be guaranteed the right to democracy-
Barry: Pepe, don't get me started! That Hillary line wore out weeks ago, and now it's irrelevant. We're over there to get rid of Assad and move on into Iran. But I'm being accused of double-talk! Did I ever do double-talk? Pepe? Pepe?
Pepe: Bear, I've always admired your gift with the gab. [har har har]
Barry: [The President looked back and forth along the bar, whispering] I tell you, my friend, I have enemies. They will do anything to block my way. They are saying The President must be consistent! Can you believe that? And I tell you, Pepe, he scares the hell out of me!
Pepe: But Bear, are you sure you have to arrest yourself? With no right to habeus corpus, plus indefinite detention in Guantanamo?
Barry: The worst of it, Pepe [whispering again], the worst of it is-
Barry: If it's all true I'm being inconsistent, I would have to use the Al-Awlaki precedent!
Pepe: You mean-
Barry: Yes! Call down the drones! Onto myself!