The X-Factor is back......HURRAH HURRAH
Saturday night TV sorted until Christmas......HOORAY HOORAY....hooray.....ray....hoo.....hoo......ray.....ray .....hoo...boo...hoo...boo...hoo....BOO HOO
Pink tribute singer Pink said "I look like Pink and sing like Pink and I am here to sing a Pink song".
Pre-menstrual Spice girl said "Whatever".
Leprachaun Louis said "Fine...let's hear you".
A minute later the judges are sitting with their fingers in their ears.
Pink knows she is on to a loser so the plays her trump card.
"My parents are Tom Jones and Shania Twain and they are waiting in the wings".
Gary's jaw drops.
Tulisa's jaw drops.
Nicole's jaw drops.
Pre-menstrual Spice girl scowls.
Sycophantic Louis squeaks "Oh WOW...we'll give you another chance".
A minute later Gary signals a halt to the proceedings "Can't you sing anything else other than Pink songs?" he asks.
Pink's face turns bright red. She bares her teeth. Horns sprout from the top of her head. She yells "You TOLD me to sing a Pink song". Then she whirls around like a dervish, does a lap of the auditorium, and surfs into the crowd (who immediately throw her back). She skims over the top of Louis's head sending this season's curly comb-over into a frenzy and lands back on the stage in an undignified heap.
Her parents - Tom and Shania - rush in to comfort their daughter and the expletives from the 3 of them turn the air blue.
Pre-menstrual Spice girl growls "Whatever".
Louis squeaks "No way was that Tom Jones, was it? Yer man Tom never has a gut like that. Does he? and that raddled hag - no way is she Shania....I've been properly conned....excuse me while I go and plug in my Carmens.
Pre-menstrual Spice girl smirks.