Thanks to our intrepid roving journalist Pepe Warezabar, we have breaking news on a deal to move Assange direct to the US, eliminating the Swedes entirely. Pepe and Hillary Clinton have known each other since the Arab Spring in Egypt, and most recently along the border of Syria-Turkey
Hillary greatly admires Pepe's ability to scour out the best saloons in any area. The following interview took place in a Capitol drinking hole which must remain anonymous. We are 99 percent certain this interview is accurate, and, give or take a few percentage points, that it actually happened.
The following emerged from Pepe's notes and the assistance of a small recorder he kept behind one ear to assist full and objective accounting of the exchange.
Pepe: Hillary, this is astounding. I had almost forgotten The Kuala Lumpur War Crimes Tribunal back in May of this year. As I understand it, the Malaysia War Crimes Tribunal found Bush and Cheney guilty of war crimes, including torture.
Hillary: Yes, can you pass those snacks? I'm ravenous. [ha ha ha] You see, all we need to do is deliver Bush and Cheney and some of their associates to stand trial in Malaysia. We send them to Malaysia, and the Brits send Assange directly to us. Forget the middle-man, the Swedes. Besides, they're not convincing.
Pepe: True, he's not even charged, and a former Stockholm Chief Prosecutor has indicated the whole business is ridiculous. The women in question-
Hillary: Idiots. [Sounds of thumping on the bar.] Could we get some service over here? Maaaybe? Apparently they don't recognize who I am!
Pepe: Well, Hillary, it could be that burka and those dark plus wraparounds you're wearing. Didn't you say a condition of the interview had to be this disguise?
Hillary: Never mind. Whoops, whoa! [sound of bar stool on wooden floor-blooch blooch] These bar stools are not stable, are they. How did you find this place?
Pepe: Ah, Hill, let me give you a hand up. [har har har] And how about another? Now, you say it's a quid pro quo, Assange for Bush and Cheney? Plus maybe there would be some quid thrown in also? [har har har]
Hillary: You never know. Well, that's Barry's thinking recently. I mean the Brits once governed Malaysia, didn't they? It would be a chance for them to make a diplomatic move to help us, and it would help their business in Malaysia. Showing sympathy with international criminal law and all that would indicate they've turned the corner on banana republic style governing. Where is that bartender? [more thumping on the bar plus loud talk and applause-for some other conversation]
Pepe: But Hillary, I mean, what about Ecuador? Do you have anything to offer them?
Hillary: Well, I don't know. Maybe we could arrest a few oil execs out of Texaco or Chevron and ship 'em down there or something.
Pepe: Really! [har har har] Bartender, let's have another round here!
Hillary: You know, this extradition exchange idea is really starting to cook! Not just a two way, but a possible three way! We get Assange, Ecuador gets oil execs to put on trial for all that damage done to its environment clear back to 1964, and Malaysia gets Bush and Cheney!
Pepe: It's bold, Hill. I must say. Your usual boldness. [har har har]
Hillary: Whoa! I feel like ripping off my burka! Thanks, Pepe! I knew I could count on you! Whoops! [again a blooching sound of stool on wooden floor]
Pepe: Here, Hill, let me help you back up onto your stool. That floor is dusty! But tell me, Hillary, why this big deal with Assange? We can't get serious he's done anything criminal on the civil side of the law. The women continued partying with him for days following his supposed "attack" on them. Besides that, everybody knows Wikileaks has not caused serious damage to the US except-
Hillary: Our faces are red. It's a principle, Pepe. We can't have people exposing the US like this. By the way is my face red? Pepe? Pepe?
Pepe: Not that bad, Hill [har har har]. But what is the problem, then?
Hillary: We need to shut him up and give everybody a lesson. You just can't, well, excuse my language, Pepe, but you just can't f-k with the US! It's not done! We must clap him under wraps ASAP! Not execution, I think, although that's tempting. But a good long spell in Guantanamo would get the message out to all the whistleblowers of the world You just can't f-k with US secrets!
Pepe: Well, Hillary, it seems to depend on Ecuador. Either they make a deal, or-
Hillary: Don't be naive, Pepe. All politicians are up for the deal. Sweeten it with some cash, and it should be no problem.