Written by CaptainSausage

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image for Today's Horoscopes Stars - they tell the future from millions of light years away

By Mystic Colin

Aries March 21 - April 19
You will receive some good news today about a missing pet rodent.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
A nonchalant sausage will lead the way to a new nailcare product supplier.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
A poorly prepared vol-au-vent will have disastrous effects on an auntie's hair.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are infected with cancer. Consult your doctor immediately.

Leo July 23 - August 22
An intimate moment in a close relationship will be interrupted by a very persistent chicken. Beware the number pi.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
God will punish you today with fire and flood. Be prepared.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A work matter will be resolved when you are fired from your position as a chartered accountant.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
A long-lost love will reenter your life, in the form of an invisible zebra or pangolin.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Animals that scuttle and plants that flower will be yours to command, but only today between the hours of 2am and 3am.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will win the Eurovision Song Contest today.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A health matter will no longer be of concern when you have your third nipple lasered away in an intergalactic space battle.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The entire universe will be destroyed.

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