In an exclusive interview with Mitt Romney, The Spoof probes the presidential hopeful's position on Syria. Or, at least, we tried to...
DS: What do you think of Syria's plight and what should the US be doing about it?
MR: I guessed this would come up because I heard someone - Walter Cronkite, I believe - mention it briefly on TV. Let me make it quite clear that I do not believe the situation on Sirius presents a direct threat to the United States at this time. I do believe, though, that the failures of the Obama administration have caused America's star to wane, thus allowing Sirius to become the brightest star in the night sky. Of course, it is also known as the "dog star" and the word dog is an anagram for God while "star" is an anagram of rats: my aides worked that out...pretty neat, huh? Anyhow, you might recall John McEnroe getting mad some years ago in his famous "You Cannot Be Sirius" speech - just another example, I would contend, of atheist Democratic Party rats seeking to deny the very existence of God.
DS: But what about the threat facing thousands in Damascus?
MR: Oh, I think you've got your facts wrong there. Some basic research will show you that there were only 101 of them being threatened by Cruella de Vil. Very few people have noticed that "de Vil" spells the word "devil" if you join the two bits together, but my aides managed to work it out all on their lonesome. And I think it's no coincidence that the anti-Christ was played by Glenn Close in the remake of the movie...and she contributed generously to Obama's 2008 election campaign. Need I say more?
DS: For Pete's sake - what about Aleppo?
MR: Are you talking about a leopard, as in something that can't change its spots, or a leper who, when you think about it deeply enough, probably can't change his either?
DS: Sorry, but we're getting a bit confused here. Can we ask if you think the international community was wrong over the Kofi Annan plan?
MR: Most definitely. Coffee has proved a sound investment commodity in international trade over the years and has always been priced in dollars, the greatest currency in the world unless it falls into the hands of commies, socialists, perverts, Democrats and non-Christians. Pricing it in Annans was never going to work.
DS (sighing): Just tell us what you think about Assad
MR: Ass ads will have no place on TV when I'm president, not even on those late-night channels watched by atheist perverts in New York.
DS: Thank you for your time, sir.
MR: What? Is that it? I thought you might want to ask me and my aides about the chances of Mexico leaving the Eurozone or the future of Liberia after they ousted Colonel Gadfly. Where are going? Come back here! I'm gonna cry...