Written by Hunter Thomas
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Tags: Olympics

Friday, 3 August 2012

Stuffing your face for gold - Using both hands, he pick's up the four pounder bacon cheeseburger, and holds it in preparation for what must be for two-time world champion power eater John Keesler, a time of intense concentration on how he plans his attack. Ever calculating, he eye's the burger looking for a weak spot. Now he's flexing his jaw bone, his mouth opens and there he goes, he' stuffs it in, and look at him go! If he keeps up this pace the record will fall for sure! But wait! What is this! It seems that the burger has lodged in the back of his throat cutting off his air! This is not a pretty site ladies and gentleman, he's choking, spitting pieces of hamburger all over the place, turning blue, tears are rolling down his face, why doesn't some one do something!

The humanity! Attendants rush in, and I don't believe it, he waves them off! What a competitor! What a, dare we say, hero! In a desperate attempt to turn the agony of

defeat into the gloat of victory, John uses his famous patented three finger ram technique to force the burger down. I'm not sure he's going to make it. Now he's gasping for air and he's passing out folks, his head is on the table and hold it. Once again the medical team steps forward and John heroically waves them off. The crowd grows silent as they gape in astonishment at the event unfolding before them. The agony of defeat is written all over Johns face. Desperately he uses the Curly maneuver and repeatedly begins pulling down on his throat with his hands and.

(GULP!)

He's done it again; John Keesler has set a new record for the largest hamburger swallowed in one bite. The crowd wildly applauds as John stands up raising his hands in triumph. What a moment. That's it from here. Be sure to tune in tomorrow when Gene Hinklbert attempts to break the world record for baked bean pounding. Until then this is you announcer Bill Hicoff signing off.

* John was later disqualified for throwing up on the judges.

Hunter Thomas

dc Lampoon National Affairs Desk

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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