Written by Clare Meck
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Monday, 23 July 2012

Recent polls show that females now outnumber males 65:35 in the Medical profession.

The general consensus has been that as the education system has become more modular, GCSEs and A levels have been better tailored for females to succeed by doing away with the last minute cramming and pressure of all or nothing exams that boys tend to favour. They score better grades than their male counterparts, perform better at interviews and therefore attain more university places. Medicine, in particular, where a caring, considerate and empathetic nature is of utmost importance, attracts a greater number of female applicants.

However, the real reason for the increased number of female doctors is far more shocking. The Freedom of Information Act has recently prompted the release of government documents from the 1960s that detail plans for social engineering on an unprecedented scale. Between the years 1962 and 2010, the government had secretly been adding significant amounts of Ritalin (a drug currently used for ADHD that improves concentration) and Testosterone (to increase competitiveness) to a particular type of wine. This sweet, white wine, drunk almost exclusively by schoolgirls proved to be the perfect agent to target girls due to sit exams. Enzo Lambrini, owner of Italian wine producer Lambrini, became a multimillionaire after signing a deal with the British Government.

Another company that benefited exponentially from this secret government project was Strongbow, a British cider manufacturer. New ingredients including Piriton (an over the counter anti-allergy medication with drowsiness as a side effect) and minute quantities of Rohypnol (the date rape drug) were slowly introduced between the years 1962-64. In fact, the emblem of the arrow, only introduced in 1965 in a rather tongue in cheek fashion, symbolises the drugs within the cider that served to kill any chance of male intellect reaching its fruition.

These two acts culminated in a complete reversal of the gender ratios in Medicine over the subsequent 50 years. This was particularly true for counties such as Essex and cities such as Newcastle, where the percentage of male doctors is currently estimated at only 25%.

The current Tory government with its plethora of female MPs has tried to rectify the situation after discovering these hidden documents in 2010. Unwilling to face the likely backlash from the public, they undertook a clandestine two-pronged policy of pushing for stricter rules on selling alcohol to underage drinkers and slowly undermining and destroying the NHS. These two policies aimed to decrease the intake of Lambrini and Strongbow by schoolchildren and to decrease the popularity of Medicine as a career in the UK.

When asked to comment, Number Ten denied these allegations with David Cameron pointing out that he has been a Strongbow drinker all his life with no adverse effects.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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