Written by Matt Morchower
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Friday, 20 July 2012

Therapist into Dictaphone:

I can't believe the people in group. Conan O'Brien. Chevy Chase. Pat Sajak. Chevy Chase. Magic Johnson. Marilu Henner. Tony Danza. Arsenio Hall. Craig Kilborn. Dennis Miller.

Joan Rivers. Megan Mullaly. It's the bar scene in Star Wars. Only more narcissistic.

Man, what a bunch of crybabies. Nobody can understand Magic Johnson. Conan O'Brien keeps crying. Chevy Chase has no idea why he's with these losers. Pat Sajak leaves out every other letter when he speaks. Nobody follows Dennis Miller's tortured analogies. Joan Rivers' face is melting. Marilu Henner has a new boob job every week. And Megan Mullaly, well my dog barks every time she speaks.

Last summer Conan O'Brien shuffled in with this fat guy who laughed at everything Conan said. Someone told me it was Andy Richter. I had no idea who this was. Conan also had this wise-guy cigar-smoking dog with him, and could not stop crying. "Tonight Show…all I wanted…took it away from me...paid me $40 million to leave.

Dennis Miller tried to make him feel better. "I hate to go on a rant here," he said, "but's like the Crusades. It's Ridley Scott's 1995 take on it, where you'll feel more like the Reconquistad than the Muslims. Since NBC's idea entertainment hasn't changed since Schwimmer was a household name, Clooney inserted central lines."

Added Craig Kilborn, "Kilby has no idea what you're talking about," noting they never covered the Crusades when he played basketball at the University of Northern Montana. "Although we did play the University of Holy Cross Crusaders, once."

"That being a team from the the college hoops, also known as basketball," added Magic Johnson, helpfully.

Megan Mullaly criticized Kilborn for bringing everything back to himself. "I don't think you've had a job since you "retired," she said.

Conan started crying again. "A window just broke from Mullaly's voice," he said. "Nothing goes right for me."

"Heh, heh heh," said Richter.

"I poop on your broken window," said the cigar-smoking wise-guy dog.

"I don't think Conan be all jokin'," said Magic Johnson. "Megan Mull-mull-arie always breaking those there windows. But I want to get back to what we were talkin' 'bout. Who even gave me a talk show? And why was it subtitled? I find that offensive, which although I liked offense, my defense was underrated. Um, somewhere in here I had a point."

And Conan O'Brien just cried and cried. So Andy Richter did too.

Therapist into Dictaphone: More next week.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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