Britannica Harpoon - Interview
"Harry Kling here to bring you, the television audience, another intimate interview. This one with the only female singer, dancer, and actress to grace the stage with an impact that surpasses that of the legendary Elvis. It is my pleasure to introduce the fabulous femme fatale Britannica Harpoon. Mr. And Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. Here she is! Say 'Hello' to Britannica Harpoon."
The house lights dimmed; there is the sound of a drum roll followed by the orchestra playing a subdued rendition of Pomp and Circumstance. Britannica steps on to the stage clad in a revealing Gooshy (Pronounced - goose she) gown. She pauses highlighted by the light of a brilliant, pink stroboscopic spotlight, and then she curtsies to the audience, bowing so low that one of her physical attributes almost escapes its bounds. She smiles, waves to the spectators, and walks to be seated across the desk from Harry. As she sits she is greeted with thunderous applause, a resounding 'Hello' and a number of off color remarks. Harry addresses her, "Good to have you here."
Britannica responds with, "It is good to be here."
Harry counters with, "Good."
Britannica smiling, "Goody."
Harry starts, "I understand you are going to make an announcement this evening that is going to shake the foundations of show business, as we know it."
"That's right Harry, I am announcing my intention to retire, but not until this show is over. Then I'm going to do it."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Why are you retiring? You are at the apex of your career."
"That's right Harry. I'm right at the top where I have enjoyed being for so many years. I know I can't stay at the top forever and don't want to go down in front of my many fans. Goin' down doesn't appeal to me, besides it would ruin my reputation."
"That may be a very wise move."
"I have a lot of moves. Even some that are not all that wise that I've kept secret these many years."
Harry commented, "I've been an ardent fan of yours ever since you started in the business and heartily agree - you certainly do have a lot of moves. And I thought I'd seen them all."
"Harry, you would be surprised. I'll show you some you haven't seen after the show."
"I look forward to that. In the meantime, tell us a little of your history, How did you get started in show business?"
"I owe everything to my mother. You know she was in show business. She was a dancer and singer in her day. That was a long time ago, even before I was born, I don't even remember. She was a little clumsy and couldn't dance too good, and she also sang off key. But in spite of these handicaps she made it to the old Howard and Minsky's."
Harry asked, "How did she do that?"
Britannica laughed, "Did you ever see her boobs?"
After Britannica stopped laughing she continued, "My mother wanted me to have the career she aspired to, so she started to train me to be a performer from the time I started to walk and talk. The day I took my first step she took me to a dance studio where my second and third steps were in the form of the two-step. It wasn't long before I was able to do the fox trot, then I mastered the French Can- Can. I like to do French things, don't you?" She smiled demurely and fluttered her eyes at Harry who sat back and loosened his tie. "By the time I was in the seventh or eight-grade I was turning on audiences in places like the American Legion, the VFW, and a number of sleazy beer joints. After I got kicked out of high school?"
"You were kicked out of high school?"
"Yeah. You see what happened was mother thought I needed a little more on top to make it to the top. You know what I mean? Yeah, you know, I seen you peekin'. Any way, she got me more on top, a bunch more. Nice huh? When I got back to school I had all kinds of trouble with the teachers, especially the men, and that damned horny principal. Who does he think he is anyway? The nerve of some people. Anyway Mom thought I was ready to make my mark, so she got me an agent. Everybody knows you gotta have a good agent to get anywhere in show business. We were lucky Mom still had it, (you know what I mean), when we went out agent hunting. Mom said agents were a dime a dozen, but good ones were as hard to find as a good man. Well to make a long story short we got us an agent with out me having to go through that crummy 'casting couch' bit. I think Mom took care of that end of things. Anyway, he got us a lot of gigs. Mom was part of the act but she didn't do her bit on stage. You know what I mean?"
"I've heard rumors."
"Roomers? We never had any roomers."
"Be that as it may. Please continue."
"OK, but quit interrupting me."
"You're not sorry, Harry. In fact I think you're kinda cute. I like the way your head shines. Matches your nose. When we started, Hyman Goldberg, our agent, got us gigs up the grommet. We did the burlesque thing until I got noticed and started filling the house every night, even Wednesdays. Never did understand that. I had to work seven nights a week, sometimes days, too. I would have worked more but that was all the days that were in a week. Because I could fill the house Hyman got us gigs in classier joints until one day I got booked at both the old Howard and Minskys. They loved me. Then he got us booked in places like Atlantic City, Reno, Lompoc, and Vegas. I went over real big, especially with the gamblers what won a bunch. I made mom and me a pile of dough. Mom was getting a little old, so I gave her a bunch of bucks and told her to get lost. I didn't need her any more."
"Didn't that upset her?"
"Naw. In fact she was pleased when I told her to hit the road. She said she would have done the same thing if she were I. I sent her off to Palm Springs where she would fit right in with the bunch of old broads running around that place. She went with Hyman. He was getting old, too. I understand she kicked him out as soon as she saw the young guys running around there. She tells me he's doing fine. The old broads, with bucks, are standing in line for him. Mom tells me she is really enjoying the place except for the fact that most of the old broads won't have anything to do with her because she's got all the young straight guys chasing after her. Their problem is when mom goes into a club all the young guys flock around. She takes her sweet time making up her mind picking the best of the litter. It gets late by the time she does. By that time the old biddies are too tired to do anything 'cept go to sleep, so they go home alone. Mom says, if they had any brains in their heads instead of their asses, they would go someplace else. What Mom doesn't know is most of the young guys go to the place she goes to. There ain't no young guys no place else. Ain't that somthin'?"
"It's remarkable. I'm at a loss for words"
"Harry, I thought I told you to be quiet."
"I got to say something once in a while, after all this is my show."
The interview was interrupted by a commercial break that described the sensual benefits of Preparation H and Viagra in combination. This enlightening pontification was followed by the Gooshy footwear ad featuring the Pope; Pope Pontificate. After the break Britannica commented on the Gooshy red shoe commercial, which featured the Pope Pontificate wearing a pair of red Gooshy shoes with the turned up toes. She commented, "See those shoes? I made them famous. The nerve of that guy!"
"You made them famous? What do you mean?
"Harry you're butting in again. Ain't you ever goin' to stop? Damn."
"Pardon me Brit. It won't happen again. Go on with your story."
"It ain't no story. It's the truth. You see, in one of my routines I come out wearing a pair of red shoes and do my dance bit that ends with one of the guys that prance around the stage with me making a gesture at my anterior posterior. I jump right out of my red shoes and kick them to the crowd. Those people who have a foot thing get a big kick out of that. That's where they got the name - Gooshy. Get it?"
Harry shakes his head indicating a "No" response.
Britannica shakes her head indicating her disgust at his apparent stupidity, "You ain't too smart are you? I thought all bald guys were smart. I'll explain it to you after the show, when I show you some of those moves I was talking about."
"I can't wait."
"Harry. The damn mouth again. Stifle it."
"I know. I can't help myself."
"OK, but no more. OK?"
"After my Vegas gigs the nextist thing that happened was the movies. I made a bunch of flicks. They started off with me singin' and dancin' a lot, but since my singin' was not even as good as moms, they didn't have me sing hardly at all. That didn't bother me very much 'cause they were paying me a bunch of sheckle's and Hyman got me a contract that said they would have to pay me for ten years no matter what. He's livin' high on his ten percent. So high he says that he can chase the young stuff in the Springs. Harry, you can say something now if you want."
"What are you going to do now that you have retired?"
"I'm going to Palm Springs and live with the old lady. She says there's enough room in that town for the both of us. Hyman says he thinks he can get us in the 'Follies'. A mother and daughter act. Won't that be nice?
"Were running out of time. I have really enjoyed this session."
"Not as much as the session we're going to have later, when I show you those moves."
"I can't wait."
The show ended with Britannica and Harry waking hand in hand off the stage. Britannica stopped, took off her red shoes, and tossed them to the audience. A riot ensued as the spectators fought for the shoes. The curtain went down and Harry had a moving experience.
- William Valitus
Canyon Lake, California
All rights reserved.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Sunday, February 16, 2007