Written by Simon Saunders
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Tuesday, 10 July 2012

image for The Essential Guide To Being A Premier League Footballer If you want to be a success, make sure you follow this guide.

This painstakingly constructed guide is designed to help all budding Premier League footballers conform to previously unwritten rules and avoid any embarrassing mistakes during your career.

We shall begin with one of the most important aspects of being a footballer.

1) Disrespecting match officials.

Never accept any decision that goes against you or your team. Referees and their assistants expect to be roundly abused.

The best ways to show your disgust include;

A) Screaming obscenities at the officials. Examples such as "Are you fucking blind ref?", "You cheating bastard", and "I never fucking touched him" , are all acceptable. Remember, you can create your own insults if you so wish.

B) You can show your outrage by becoming unneccesarily animated. Throwing your arms in the air and stamping your feet like a five year old are widely accepted methods of animation. Whilst becoming animated make sure you bellow "fuck off" in the referees general direction. This should help get your point across.

2) Gaining an advantage over your opponents.

Any advantage you can gain over your opponent should be sought. Some people call this "cheating". We prefer it to be called "gamesmanship". This involves conning the referee and his assistants and will most probably infuriate your opponents. This is essential if you want to be successful. Nobody else plays the game fairly, so why should you?

Here are some tried and tested methods for gaining an advantage by using "gamesmanship."

A) Fall over as if you have just been on the receiving end of a bombardment of heavy artillery whenever an opponent comes within breathing distance of you. Throwing your head back and thrusting your arms into the air are essential to convince the match officials that you have been seriously maimed.This can be practiced in the comfort of your bedroom by leaping spectacularly onto your bed.

B) Roll around on the pitch as if you are on fire. Four or five rolls are normally enough to get the referees attention. This action normally follows part A.

C) When kicked in the shin, hold your face as if you have just been on the receiving end of a vicious Mike Tyson uppercut. Do this as you perform parts A and B. This will almost certainly result in one of your opponents being booked. If you get the opportunity to do this more than once during a match you should. It is an excellent way of getting the opposition reduced to ten men thus giving you an advantage.

D) When you are awarded a free-kick do not give your opponent the opportunity to retreat the requisite ten yards before booting the ball against him. Then complain to the referee about it.

E) When your opponent is awarded a free-kick stand over the ball to prevent your opponent taking the kick. When they complain to the referee make sure you have a look of innocence on your face.

F) If you are taking a corner do not put the ball in the quadrant. Put it slightly outside the quadrant just to see if you can get away with it. You will gain no advantage by doing this but it is nice to get one over on the officials no matter how petty it is.

G) Take an absolute age over all set pieces, goal kicks and throw-ins during the final ten minutes of a game provided you are winning.

H) Complain to the match officials when the opposition takes an absolute age over set pieces, goal kicks and throw-ins during the final ten minutes of a match when you are losing.

3) Celebrating a goal.

A) If you are fortunate enough to actually score a goal you must celebrate as if you have just discovered a cure for cancer or brokered a successful peace deal in the Middle East. You can remove your shirt and wave it around above your head to emphasise your complete and utter brilliance.

B) Have a bit of a snog and a cuddle with your team mates followed by a slap on the backside. A firm handshake is not acceptable.

There are a number of other things that don't fall into the above three categories. These are also critical points you should remember if you are going to be a proper footballer.

4) Being substitued.

Shake your head in disbelief when you are taken off. Even if you have performed like a one legged leper with no head.

5) Loyalty to your current club.

Hand in a transfer request two weeks after signing a bumper £100k a week five year contract and declaring your everlasting love for the club and fans. The reality is that there is no such thing as loyalty in football. Go on about a footballers career being a short one. The fans will understand. If they don't, who cares? Not you, you've just moved to another club who are paying you even more money.

6) Social networking.

Use social networking sites to make innappropriate sexist, homophobic and racist comments. You'll only get a relatively small fine and you can afford it. After all you do earn more in a week than most people earn in a year. You can afford to be reckless.

7) Personal relationships.

Find yourself a lovely young lady who is prepared to marry you. Once married you can behave however you like. She will be expecting you to cheat anyway so go ahead. She will probably stay with you whatever you do as you have wads of cash.

And finally......

Under no circumstances should you show any interest in the arts as this will lead to accusations of homosexuality. Remember, there's no such thing as a gay footballer. You should always ensure you have a copy of The Sun with you at all times so you can ogle page three in front of your team mates whilst making inappropriate sexist comments in a blokey way. This will confirm that you are completely heterosexual in every way.

Oh, and if you get the chance make sure you learn how to actually play the game as well. You never know, it may help your career.

We hope this guide will provide you with all the help required to become a successful Premier League footballer.

Enjoy your career! You deserve it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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