Written by rfreed
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Monday, 2 July 2012

image for I Bought My Computer, But Bill Gates Still Owns It. The laptop tries out its permanent resting place before it is permantely retired there.

I bought my computer, but Bill Gates still owns it.

At least that's the way it seems.

I bought my Sony Vaio Mini (which I am happy with except for its unfortunate affiliation with the a fore mentioned gentleman) after a bad run of karma with my prior two computers. Both were Toshibas (again, both fine computers.). The first was 'permanently borrowed' by an thieving drug addict who, when I get him alone someday, will get major dents put in his head and physique with the new computer even it it does end up putting it into computer rigor mortis. The second computer suffered an unfortunate meeting with the floor when I set it down too hard in a backpack.

So I bought the Sony mini. Little knowing that it contained the doomed Windows Starter 7 from Microsoft.

All was well and good until it stopped accepting updates. The announcement would come up saying that I had 30 seconds before Microsoft would commandeer my computer and no matter what I was doing, even if I was on the computer phone explaining to my mother how to give an AED to my Dad who was having a heart attack or explaining to President Obama how to avoid an Iranian war or setting up a hot date with Mila Kunis, it would still take over and cut out whatever I was doing. The computer would then spend 20 minutes supposedly inserting these life saving updates, then once they were in, would announce that they were not accepted and then spend another 20 minutes reversing them all.

So now everyday I play the same game with a computer that is supposedly owned by me:

I turn on the computer.

I must hit the ENTER button because I forced it to turn off early because it wanted to install 3,764 updates. The computer comes on. It says "Installing 2358 of 3,764 updates. Please do not turn off the computer."

I read War And Peace while I wait for the updates to install.

A message comes on the computer- "Updates failed to configure properly. Reverting changes. Please do not turn off the computer."

I read half the complete works of Shakespeare waiting for the updates to disinstall. (Yes, I know that according to the spell checker that is not a real word. Just live with it.)

I use the computer for 10 minutes. I attempt to turn it off.

The computer says- "Installing update 8,574 of 12,946. Please do not turn off the computer."

I force the computer to turn off.

Repeat ad finitum.

This game would occur every time I turned on my machine and tuned into the Internet.

Soon it learned a new trick. A few minutes in to whatever I was doing it would announce that in 10 minutes it would be commandeering my machine for important updates. I learned to postpone it by 4 hours, by which time I would be done with the computer anyway. Now it has learned to finish these canceled updates immediately when I turn on the thing and then reverse them. I know it gets a sadistic satisfaction out of this.

I went to Internet web sites to seek help. The answer most commonly found was that Bill Gates now considers his Microsoft Starter 7 to be a bastard child and will no longer recognize it. Many users were having this same problem and not getting any results for it. Microsoft is not doing anything to help it. Gates was leaving his unwanted child to hunger on the streets, degraded and alone.

So, I will watch slowly as my computer slowly degenerates and starves mentally to death, deprived of his regular supplements of updates. He will psychically regress before my eyes in much the same way that HAL the computer in '2001 A Space Odyssey' did when Astronaut David Bowman started pulling his computer banks when he went rogue in deep space. And I will be equally helpless to do anything to stop it.

So I am now announcing and planning the funeral for my dear computer in advance. All you lovely people who are reading this are invited. I already have a grave site picked out under the elm tree in my back yard that was originally reserved for my dog, but I and the Sony are closer, so it gets first dibs. (I am however cheap enough to take the battery out before burial and sell it). I will give a weeks advance of the ceremony when the tragedy hits, but that might be delayed because I will have to use the public library computer to send out the demise notices and that might take a while. For those able to make it a small gift is fine (especially if it is a new notebook computer) or something to share to eat. For those unable to attend I will be doing a virtual funeral for my dear laptop on BitchingBurials.com the Sunday following the sorrowful incident.

I hope either way you can make it.

If you can't don't you ever dare read one of my articles again.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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