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Sunday, 1 July 2012

image for The Cole Hole Gang. Part one. "Going underground" Moderators disguised as Nuns patrol a beer festival.

The gang came together after several of its members had been locked out of their local pubs by the Moderators, a notorious head hunting crew that preyed on people using profanity and bad diction.

In one night alone, the Moderators closed seven public houses. Each member of the Cole Hole gang had been sent home from their local after falling foul of the Mods. Capo, Clive Danton remembers his first encounter with the firm that held London in a vice like grip of fear.

"I was sitting in the Boleyn having a pre match drink with the lads, during a heated discussion about the cost of season tickets I said to my mate "you're having a f*&king laugh mate" the next thing I know I'm hauled to me feet and marched outside. The leader of the Mods gets out a thesaurus and points out this is not the first time I have used the term "Your" instead of "you are" they slapped me around a bit and told me I was now locked out of the pub".

The moderators had spies in every corner of the capital, not one person could drop an H without them getting wind of it. Drinkers started using sign language in an attempt to hide their conversations from the Moderators, but the Mods were not easily beaten, they installed a deaf person in every public house in London. Capo de Capo, Skoob, remembers the time he was caught out in the toilets.

"I was in the bar and decided to have a pony before going back to the market stall, I was sitting in the cubicle and realised there was no toilet paper, so I said, in a quiet voice, "bollocks, no bog roll" all of a sudden the door flies open and I'm grabbed by the shirt and with me trousers round me ankles thrown onto the yard. I was warned about my language and made to write "Toilet roll" a thousand times before being locked out of the boozer".

The British Library started an investigation into the Mods, and their leader, Godfather Mark Lowton.

Despite several trials, the jury returned a "Not guilty" verdict. Librarians had evidence jury members were being nobbled with free subscriptions to "Which?" magazine. Things were about to change.

Clive Danton and Skoob found themselves sitting next to each other in an illegal back slang house in the Old Kent Road. The house was run by Inchcock, a man who knew no fear. He had been the enforcer for the Ladybird book club. An attempt was made on his life by the Readers Digest mob from south London. Inchcock paid them back with an article in the Rose Growers Monthly.

Inchy went straight and decided to spend his retirement helping victims of the Moderators.

The idea was simple, speak backwards at speed, and no one other than a trained ear would understand what was being said. Easy, take the first letter of a word and put it on the end. This is what you get.

Ouy nda em og ot het ubp. Translates as "You and me go to the pub" Inchcock began to teach.

Clive and Skoob picked up the dialect very quickly and went looking for new recruits across the four corners of the capital. They searched many pubs and bars but found few who were willing to join.

Would the gang come together? Or is the future of beer soaked flaming Spoofers ended?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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