Written by Inchcock
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Friday, 29 June 2012

image for Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 4 Bottom Item: Write list of possible locations you had intended to go to here!

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Bartholomew Utterwaithe (66), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their 60's - in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also get made redundant at 62 years of age, then suffer heart failure, loneliness, depression, and being overcharged for what bits of food they can afford to buy from Lidl, the Pound Shop and Aldi stores.

His intention is to pass on his experiences in the hope that others will be more betterer prepared than wot he was for caducity, feebleness and fatuity!

Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age

Part 4 - Things wot you will Miss and Why!

By Bartholomew Utterswaithe

You Will Miss:

Kicking the cat.

The Reason/Why:

She's just too quick for you nowadays!

You Will Miss:

Releasing a safe controlled intentional emission of wind.

The Reason/Why:

Too risky nowadays! What with the medications as well?

You Will Miss:

Waiting for ten minutes for the TV to warm up.

The Reason/Why:

If your like me, you can't afford one or the licence!

You Will Miss:

On the Goggle-box: Wagon Train, Dixon of Dock Green, No Hiding Place, Danger Man, Beat the Clock, Bill & Ben The Flowerpot Men, with Little Weed, Cannonball, Double Your Money, Daktari, Armchair Theatre, The Army Game, The Billy Cotton Bandshow, The Black and White Minstrels, Emergency Ward 10, Fabian of Scotland Yard, The Grove Family, Hancock's Half Hour, Harry Worth, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Interpol Calling, Lunchbox, Maigret, The Phil Silvers Show, Quatermass, Double Your Money, Saber of London, Scotland Yard, Six-Five Special, Sunday Night at the London Palladium, The Avengers, The Third Man, Dial999, The Human Jungle, Casey Jones, The Bill, The Sweeney, Dads Army, The Saint, Man in a Suitcase, Are You Being Served, One Foot in the Grave, The Worker, The A Team, The Persuaders, Hetty Wainthropp Investigates, Yes Minister, Steptoe & Son, 'Allo 'Allo!, Blott on the Landscape, Bootsie and Snudge, The Brittas Empire, The Dick Emery Show, The Dustbinmen, Duty Free, Ever Decreasing Circles, The Rise & Fall of Reginald Perrin, It Ain't Half Hot Mum, The Good Life, Keeping Up Appearances, The Likely Lads, Love Thy Neighbour, Nearest and Dearest, Robin Hood with Richard Greene, Porridge, The Piglet Files, Goodnight Sweetheart, Rising Damp, The Eric Sykes Show, Till Death Us Do Part, Columbo, Heartbeat, Z-Cars, The Adventures of William Tell, Auf Wiedersehen Pet, Candid Camera, Darling Buds of May, Emergency Ward 10, The Detectives, To the Manor Born, Fawlty Towers, Inspector Morse, Juliet Bravo, Mind Your Language, Special Branch, Never Mind the Quality Feel the Width, Oh No, It's Selwyn Froggitt!, Paul Temple, Porridge, Open All Hours, The Professionals, Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em, The Sooty Show, Van der Valk, Waiting for God, and perhaps my three personal favourites: Rumpole of the Bailey, Open All Hours and The Morecambe and Wise Show!

The Reason/Why:

Because even if you had a TV set now, your short term memory would ensure you forget what you've watched ten minutes earlier, but you can recall the 1950s/60s stuff easily!

You Will Miss:

The attention of the opposite sex!

The Reason/Why:

Nothing left to attract them, what with baldness, the limp, deafness, your odour, and your having forgot what to do anyway - I find a little comfort in just trying to remember that night at the back of the pictures in 1962 with Grizelda Plunkitt?

You Will Miss:

Going out with a half-crown, (2/6d) (12.5p) to the pictures, having an ice-cream or sucker, travelling both ways on the trolleybus, and still having change when you got home!

The Reason/Why:

It would cost around £19 to do similar today, and you cannot afford it!

You Will Miss:

Queueing up at the Dance Hall, The Bowling Alley, and the Football Ground.

The Reason/Why:

Today you queue up at the Benefits Office, the GP surgery, and the Out-of-date cheap food shop!

You Will Miss:

Making financial donations without flinching!

The Reason/Why:

Today, the staff at Lidl take it from you by overcharging, you do not flinch until you get home and realise they have done so again!

You Will Miss:

The pangs in the stomach when a nubile young gal touches you, smiles and says yes!

The Reason/Why:

The pangs will be indigestion, angina, or wind nowadays, and no females look at you, smile at you (apart from out of sympathy), or says yes!

You Will Miss:

Driving in the Countryside.

The Reason/Why:

They took away your licence on medical grounds, (I keep falling asleep, on busses, trains, when sitting, I even fell asleep in the Dentists chair last year!) And anyway, ! couldn't afford a car nowadays.

You Will Miss:

The odd Politician you could believe.

The Reason/Why:

They no longer exist!

You Will Miss:

Nat King Cole's singing, Will Hay's films and Acker Bilk's Trad Jazz

The Reason/Why:

There will never be replaced, only mimicked.. a bit like you?

You Will Miss:

The excitement of seeing shoplifters caught when your out shopping in the department stores!

The Reason/Why:

So commonplace today everywhere, and you cannot afford to shop anyway.

You Will Miss:

Remembering where it was you had set out to go to.

The Reason/Why:

You should still be able to do this about 30% of the time on average. If you do get confused, check to see if it was any of these: The Doctors Surgery - The Hospital Cardiac Unit - The Benefits Office - The Hearing Aid Centre - The Cheap food shop - The Pound Store - The Opticians or The Charity Shop. It is unlikely to be anywhere else.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

62 readers are online right now!

Go to top