Thanks to our contacts at the new News International business "Phonetaps'R'Us", located round the back of Fairfax Bus Station, I was exclusively sent a copy of a letter, which my gum-rubbing informant claims was sent to the Chief Executive of Barclays Bank, Bob Diamond, from the Chancellor yesterday.
Trusting you and yours are well.
Listen mate. Sorry the Financially Stupid Asses wrote to your bank yesterday to demand £290million as a fine. It's nothing personal, and just because your bank head office people are a bunch of dishonest, thieving bastards, I said this is no reason to carry on that way and fine you.
I made this clear to the FSA yesterday as soon as I heard the news. I told them that the taxpayer would have been more than happy to bail you out.
And also. Look mate. Sorry you've had to give up your bonus this year. It must have come as quite a shock, and was a wonderful thing for you to volunteer to do. I only hope you've put something by from the £17million you received last year. No doubt the bank paying your £5.7million tax bill should help to ease the burden and not bite too much into your lottery win, er, I mean, salary package from last year.
Hopefully you will be able to manage this year on your £1.3million salary and half a million quid's worth of perks you receive.
Look, if you really are struggling, get the chauffeur to take you and Mrs Diamond to Aldi or Lidl for part of the weekly shop. I think your car shouldn't need more than two regular parking spaces, and you'll save a fortune (6 different vegs are on offer at 39p each this week, so do hurry).