Written by Hunter Thomas

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Wednesday, 20 June 2012

How to get a free cup of coffee from Starbucks

From the Staff of dc Lampoon

Times are tough and coffee ain't cheap! So we here at the dclampoon.com have come up with some sure fire methods for you to get your free cup of morning Joe from non-participating Starbucks.

The origins of free coffee

The origins of free coffee can probably be traced back to some loin cloth wearing native starved out of his skull combing the jungle for something to eat. Not having much success, he comes across a black bean growing out of the ground and devours it. Doesn't do much to solve the hunger problem, but when the effects of the bean begin to take hold his pupils dilate as his eye's bug out and he feels a jolt of energy coursing through his malnourished body. Because of this, he knows he is on to something good and continues to search for more of the beans instead of the food he desperately needs.

After a while the hunt for the magical beans is no longer a want in so much as it is a need. He is starving to death, but yet, he can't stop searching for and eating all the beans he can find.

Four days later while feverishly searching for the "bean" he sees a whole patch of them growing in a patch of jungle weed with a lion lying on top of them. Feeling pumped up from the effects of the "bean", and fueled by the false bravado the bean provokes from within, he let's out a roar and charges the lion thinking; "Must have beans!"

It takes approximately 1.2 seconds for the lion to claw the native into several prime cuts of homosapien steak which the lion and several of his dinner guest begin to feast upon. Problem here is that the lion takes a few bites of the screaming native and is totally disgusted by the caffeine soaked flesh and leaves our founder of the coffee bean lying on the jungle floor where even the fire ants avoid him. The native only now realizes the price he has paid for his caffeine addiction.

What's the point of this story?

Coffee is a drug, plain and simple. Once you're hooked, you're hooked and corporateAmericaknows this. The corporate folks at Starbucks are no exception and know that regardless of all the press they generate about helping the poor coffee bean growers in some far off shit hole country to make a so called living, their number one goal is to addict you and keep you coming back for more. In the corporate world it's considered the perfect storm of product development and marketing.

Major problem for us caffeine addicted consumers is that the morning cup of coffee at Starbucks is an expensive habit which is hard to give up. Should you find yourself in the position of being short on funds and having to make tough financial sacrifices in which to survive, your morning cup of Java is usually at the top of the list along with other luxury items, like eating breakfast and using real tooth paste that need to be cut from the budget.

The unfortunate analogy that we often overlook is that buying a cup of coffee at Starbucks cost you almost what it cost a crack addict to buy his morning fix. Oh you don't want to really think about if that way, but in a lot of ways, standing in line at Starbucks is very similar to standing in line at a methadone clinic.

Anyway, back to the point. What it all comes down to is that coffee ain't cheap, and some of us can't afford to buy it everyday. But why should a little thing like not having money get in the way of you having your morning cup of coffee? Why should a giant corporation like Starbucks, stand in your way of you getting your fix? After all, it's they who caused your addiction in the first place. So if you're down on your luck, and still craving your morning cup of Starbucks brewed coffee there are still free alternatives to obtaining your fix.

Once again, we here at www.dclampoon.com feel your pain and have studied this problem in great detail. Our writers have all contributed to this article in hopes that it will help you to achieve the goal of getting a free cup of coffee from Starbucks.

Going for the Oscar Method

You go into the Starbucks like you usually do, go up to the counter and order the usual. The important thing here in employing this tactic, is the stall. Strike up a conversation with the cashier about how much you hate the "House Wives of Atlanta", and wait till the barista has started making your order. Then you reach into your pocket pretending to search for your non existent money. Looking up at the waiting cashier with a sheepish grin on your face and feigning embarrassment, you proclaim that you forgot your wallet.


In all likelihood, if your act is convincing enough, they will allow you to get your beverage if you promise to and pay for it later. This method works better if there is a long line of caffeine addicts behind you and only at locations where the people kind of know who you are. It also depends on being dressed like you don't need the charity and putting up a good front. Works about 95 percent of the time. The other 5 percent of the time you're usually taken out back and beaten to a pulp by a disgruntled barista.

Beauty and the Latte

If you're a beautiful blond with a huge rack, then all you have to do is lean over the counter, expose some cleavage and if you're really creative, drip some half and half cream onto your exposed mameries and ask for whatever concoction your little heart desires while pursing your lip glossed lips. Money is a moot point in situations like this and girls like this, unlike guys can get all the free coffee they desire.

If you're a guy, then this situation does not apply because guys do not get freebies for exposing themselves.

During our investigation we heard a story about one unfortunate chap who tried the guy version of this maneuver where upon he walked up to the counter with his dick hanging out with half and half cream dripped on it and instead of getting a free coffee he was severely beaten by customers and store employees and then arrested for indecent exposure.

Point here is that a babe with a rack will get the free coffee while the guys will most likely have to resort to licking spilled coffee off the floor. Nobody said that life was fair.

You forgot my order routine

For this ploy to work, you go rushing into the Starbucks and franticly ask the barista where your order is. Since these guys are usually worked to a pulp and forced to deal with thousands of caffeine freaks everyday, they will in all probability roll their eye's at one of there fellow workers for forgetting to call your order and you end of with a free cup of java.

Once again, use this tactic sparingly as it will only work a few times at each location. Once they catch on and depending on the location and temperament of the people behind the counter, it could result in a humiliating ejection from the premises or in the case of doing this at a Starbucks located inNew York City, a severe beating.

The handicap sympathy option

If you have sunk to this level then you must be extremely desperate for that morning cup of Joe and our hearts go out to you. Although it is not really that far of a stretch for people to act and behave this way, you must be totally committed to the ploy or it could back fire resulting in serious repercussions.

Here's what you do. You walk in and act like you are handicapped or suffering from a mental disorder. Franticly waving your arms you strike up a conversation with the cashier about how you woke up this morning with a boner and banged the next door neighbor's cat. Your coffee will arrive quickly and you will be asked to leave the premises, but you will have your free morning cup of coffee.

But let us also warn you that if for some reason or another that you're in the middle of this kind of routine and break character, even for a split second, say by looking at a passing set of huge mammaries, there is the strong possibility that you will be taken out back and receive a severe beating resulting in your coffee being taken away from you.

The Saving the Environment Routine

Do you have any idea how much coffee goes into the trash cans at a local Starbucks every morning? The philosophy here is that customers want what they pay for, which is a full cup of coffee. Baristas know all to well the blistering verbal abuse that results in them not topping off a cup of coffee. Sad thing is that most people then walk over to the milk and sugar station and pour off one quarter of the coffee into the trash to make room for their cream and sugar.

The ploy here is to go to the counter and ask for a large empty cup. Then walk over to the place where people put milk in their coffee and ask people for the quarter cup of coffee that they usually dump in the trash. Some people will oblige and you will have a full cup of Joe in no time. Take note that this does not work with Frappachino or latt├ęs. These precious fluids are not considered disposable, and people are not willing to give up one single drop.

Fake a Seizure

Go inside the store and fake a seizure. Lie on the ground and franticly flop around. A little drooling goes a long way in legitimizing the act. When the manager of the store comes up and say's "what can they do?" you ask for a frapichino. This is a fifty/fifty shot that depends on the how well your act is received. Either you will get a free frappie, or a free medical exam by the paramedics.

Ask and you might receive

Asking people standing in line if they will buy you a coffee is a crap shoot at best. There's nothing worse then asking a bunch of caffeine addicts to part with money that they are using in which to buy their morning fix. This usually does not work, and in all likelihood you will receive a severe beating in the process.

The bathroom grab and run

Stand inside a Starbucks and wait till someone gets up and goes to the restroom. As nonchalantly as possible walk over, take their drink and walk out the door. A little cold blooded, but in all likelihood, it will net you a cup or two.

Be aware however, that there are two problems facing you when dealing with this option. One is the unpredictable nature of caffeine addicts. They are usually strung out, and extremely protective of their java. Should you get caught, be on your best behavior and claim that you sat at the wrong table, but in all likelihood, prepare for a beating.

The other is the possibility is the risk of drinking from someone else's cup and contracting some sort of unknown disease. One unfortunate soul that we interviewed explained to us how he used the bathroom grab and run option only to discover several days later that he had contracted a rare case of crotch rot of the mouth.

Dumpster Diving

As a last resort you can go through the cups in the trash and collect what everyone else has thrown away. Problem here is that were dealing with an addictive substance that usually people do not discard. Most of the time you see people in Starbucks sucking down their concoctions till the cups implode on themselves. You can give it a shot, but success is not likely.

And there you have it, the dc Lampoon guide to getting a free cup of coffee at Starbucks.


Hunter Thomas

dc Lampoon National Affairs Desk

www.dclampoon.com dc Lampoon

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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