Written by Oleg the Tumor

Print this

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

The US Navy has this problem with clocks. And to be fair, we can't blame the gobs out there chipping the paint. That's navy life.

Earlier this month, the spoof scooped the potato, the carrot AND the onion.com's when the International Dateline malfunctioned and the US Navy responded with force to escort June in.

The spoof's spook speaks time and again! But would anyone listen? Now it turns out that poor June was in Federal Custody under a secret proviso of the Interstate Commerce Clause! Son of a Bitch!

Its like getting a ticket from Adam Smith for your personal failure to keep the whole economy afloat. That unseen hand can beat your ass into the ground and keep you there like a zombie with a pointing affliction.

June was late because she had a few small things to tidy up around that time of the month, if you know what I mean.

Now the Commerce Clause is about as easy to understand as a broken clock. Because that's all it is. Follow the money, because time is money.

Lets say your a wheat farmer. You grow the stuff. Some you sell. Some you keep for your own use. No big deal. Is that legal? No red card yet, right? Wrong.

The Commerce Clause is what author Joseph Heller was describing in his novel "Catch-22" only in war, like the one we will now pay for until all of our kids are safely dead, its called "The Patriot Act" and some other such similar shit.
If The Man says that if your actions, like keeping some of your own grow, affects the price others pay by reducing the total supply available for everybody, then yes, you are required to comply with the law just to help stabilize market volatility.

Now, follow this parody closely: time is both a subjective commodity and an objective one. If I use up some of my time, does that take away from the amount of time you have, as if we both buy our time from a common market? Every time? Or just this time? When?

If any of that makes sense to you, you'd better read it again.

So, if you go broke, that's OK-you did your part and now you can lay down and be your own fertilizer too! (But don't lay across state lines if you do, there's a tax for that!)

And who updates all of these calculations to see if any of these laws makes the least bit of difference? Not you, guaranteed. Not anyone you know, either.

Then up pops pot again in the 1960's.

Cannabis hemp was a major cash crop back in the day of George Washington. He asked each farmer to put in an acre of hemp for his fledgling Navy, the same tars that run the clocks now.

There is no record of Colonial stoners stumbling around Philidelphia, Boston or elsewhere. Congress taxed cannabis out of existence on 2 Aug 1937 at the height of the depression, when everybody needed work. Why? It was not a health issue, it was a tax. Good luck finding anyone to explain that.

Maybe that is when the clock's heart broke. Gotta keep that commerce commencing.

That's some catch, that commerce clause. Anything in the US traded across state lines subjects you to go right back through the fucking time machine to get a fresh copy of the Magna Carta to see if they got the better deal, all in all.

Time is up. Like a gig. You heard it. And the gig is up.
Thus, the Spoofs spook spoke and spud on.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this


Go to top