In October the music world is to be shocked as the greatest rock and roll mime act of all time is to hit our shores, with a show that will blow the hair off your balls.
Cheryl Cole (we will have to refer to her like this because otherwise no-one has a clue who she is) will be strutting her stuff in energetic dance routines all over the country.
Despite an obvious glitch in the tour management schedule, Cheryl has been booked to play arenas rather than church summer fetes, she seemed in high spirits when we met her. And for the first time she didn't scream when Back and to the Left news entered the room. She must have got over that gag reflex.
"It's great that I'm managing to finally get recognised as a solo artist in my own right and...."
We had to interrupt her flow here because something didn't seem right. "So you were in a band before doing....this...." we waved vaguely around the room, unsure as to what she actually does. Cat food adverts?
"Yes I was in Girls Aloud...." She replied. Her tone indicating that we should have known this.
"What instrument did you play?" We said. Desperate to latch onto something as interesting as this to paint on this blank canvas of a woman.
"I didn't play a instrument...."
"Don't tell us you were fucking singing!"
Her steely eyed glare seemed to suggest that she was. We decided to quickly move on.
"So the name of your tour is the Million Lights Tour. Why?"
"Well I decided to call it the Million Lights Tour because I wanted to show that there were millions of bright lights around the world making it a better place. And that's what this tour is about."
"Ha and we thought it was something to do with the fact you're going to need a million lights to dazzle the retards who come to see you. Distract them away from the fact that you're not singing and the fact they have in fact paid a large amount of money to watch a music video. But probably with less tits"