Written by David Grant
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Tuesday, 12 June 2012

image for Shakespeare in Text 2b Released, Lol :( "Bill would text"

Finally it has arrived, the complete works of Shakespeare have been translated into text. International text service providers, THUMBS 4U, refer to the grueling project that they have just completed as the Textual Reproduction and Acting of Shakespearean Heritage (or T.R.A.S.H. for short).

I asked their Public Relations Executive about the project and he said, "We are really excited about what we have accomplished. We have resurrected Shakespeare for a contemporary audience."

The company also plans to perform the plays in the form of text messaging, and have booked numerous theaters worldwide. Apparently the plays will be performed by actors sitting in chairs on the stage texting each other. Large screens will show the text on the cellphones and the thumbs of the players. For one dollar an hour, others will be able to follow the play on their cellphones.

The executive I interviewed said, "The skill of the actors will be evident by the rhythm and cadence of their texting. We are looking forward to seeing some real emotion up there on the stage."

Some critics believe this is the final nail in the coffin for Shakespeare, and that it is just a cynical money-making scheme that will destroy Shakespeare's beautiful legacy. When I put their concerns to the executive, he replied, "Sure, We will make millions out of this, but if Bill were alive today I believe he would be texting all the time. I think he would agree that this is the way to go."

In text, Juliet's speech to Romeo becomes "Rmo, Rmo wr4 rt u Rmo." and the famous line from Hamlet becomes, "OMG, Yorick:( I knw him Hrto."

It is difficult to get one word out of a teenager holding a cellphone, but when I asked a young man if he would go and see the play, he replied, "Yeah, whatever". With ringing endorsements like that, the buzz of excitement is almost palpable. The company's next project involves the Bible.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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