Written by Dan Cun

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Tuesday, 12 June 2012

As an expert on internet dating (I have been addicted to online dating for 3 years, though have yet to meet any woman willing to sleep with me) I feel I am best qualified to offer advice on how to read between the lines on what a woman actually means in her profile. Below is a list of phrases women like to use, I for some time was confused by these references, so as a favor to you all (no, please don't thank me) I have deciphered them.

I give you online dating speak:

1. I like to be spoiled and to spoil my man - Take me away for the weekend or buy me a gift and I will probably suck your cock.
2. I am curvy - I am fat.
3. I am big boned - I am obese
4. Sick of serial daters - I went on one date with a guy who found me repulsive but in an attempt to not face this fact I shall claim he was a serial dater.
5. Sick of games - I went on one date with a guy who found me repulsive but in an attempt not to face this fact I shall claim he was a game player.
6. I am comfortable in my own skin - I am ugly
7. I have a great life - my life is shit
8. I am looking for Mr. Right - I am looking for anyone who will put up with me
9. I do not look my age - I wear a lot of makeup and dress inappropriately
10. I love watching sports - I once accidently switched channels and in error watched 30 seconds of Ice Hockey
11. Your Mom would love me - I am the same age as your mom
12. I am not into one night stands - I am frigid
13. I can be one of the guys - I have facial hair
14. I am successful and love my job - I am desperately trying not to get fired, I hate my job and my co-workers
15. I am a one woman man - No one else will have me
16. I am driven - I have a bus pass
17. I have a great sense of humor - I watch Sponge Bob
18. I don't need a man to look after me - I am broke and need help
19. I love to travel - I drive to work
20. I love to cook - I am greedy and have an eating disorder which makes it impossible for me not to have seconds.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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