Driving Daily - Britain's favourite car mad mag for over 50 years - EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JAMES MAY, JEREMY CLARKSON AND RICHARD HAMMOND AFTER THEY WERE CAUGHT SMUGGLING 400 JARS OF ELEPHANT SPERM IN THE BACK OF A 1982 FORD CORTINA IN INDIA.
Learners be warned, your dreams of owning and driving your own car are about to be pulverised!
As of 1st January 2013 budding motorists will be forced to combat killer robots, the effects of a little moonshine, household cleaning utensils and sexually confused octogenarian's all for a little bit of freedom. Plans to be unveiled by the DSA this morning will spell out just how potential road users of the future will be examined on their ability to control a motor vehicle and react to the actions of others around them.
Driving Mad has gained access to just four of the new plans which are being brought in to control high levels of 'first-time passers'. The DSA's official line on this is 'it will not do'. Deeply insightful and not at all ambiguous words as ever from a Government agency.
Here are the four:
Turn in the road - The candidate will now be expected to perform a 20 point turn in the road (no more and no less) up-side down whilst their examiner tickles their feet with a feather duster. No socks allowed as that is cheating and will result in immediate test abortion.
Speed training - This will include being chased by Optimus Prime from Transformers stardom whilst having objects thrown in your path. You are to drive as fast as possible whilst attempting to avoid said objects. If you reach the end of the track you should do a really cool spinny thing that makes loads of smoke come from your wheels or something.
Objects included are - shopping trolleys recovered from nearby rivers, any breed of large dog, super annoying parasols and the entire country of Luxembourg. Checkpoints will be situated along the course. If a candidate fails to arrive at these checkpoints in the expected time they will either be administered with a severe electrical shock or be crushed and eaten by Mr. Prime (if he's hungry).
Emergency stop off at the nearest McDonald's - The candidate may not always be asked to perform this manoeuvre, however if the examiner is feeling peckish (or if Mr. Prime is still trailing you for some reason) then there is a good chance that you will be asked to perform this at some point within the 6 hours. You are expected to place your order at the first window before moving on to the next window where you will then collect and pay for your order. If by some unfortunate act of miscommunication the highly-trained food operative should make an error and forget part of your order then the examiner may be permitted to slash one of your tyres in anger, making for a much more difficult second half of the test. You may not have a second go.
The drunk drive - Your examiner will first provide you with a large jar of whisky or maybe a cheap crate of lager (drinks determined by demographic you're in). After this each of you will sit in silence for approximately 20 minutes whilst the alcohol takes its effect on you. After such time has passed you will be asked to start the engine and perform a safe and controlled take-off. Once you have finished stalling the car you will then stutter out of the test centre where you will be greeted by an angry looking elderly gentlewoman wearing lycra, please ignore her as she is harmless (on Tuesday's), you could run over her for a bit though if you want.
Whilst on the roads you should be especially mindful of pedestrians who may or may not be directing profanities in your general direction, other drivers may abruptly remove themselves from your path of terror. Please do your best to ignore all distractions including loud smashes or explosions, screeching tires and screams of women and children. If you are feeling tired are overstimulated DSA guidelines recommend that you close your eyes for a couple of minutes to give yourself time to think. Remember, patience is always a virtue.
Upon your final return to the test centre you will exit the car and proceed to comply with the designated police officer as he places you into handcuffs before bundling you into the back of his van (because drink-driving is illegal, idiot). Your examiner will then be congratulated for services to catching dim-witted drunk drivers and awarded the Mobil police prize in criminal baiting. Beaming from ear to ear our hero said 'I thought about using the classic 'hand over the face' trick but I liked the kid and it wouldn't have been fair as he could barely see over the wheel as it was'. This part of the test is expected to keep those pesky first time pass rates and indeed all pass rates down for quite some time.
Jill and Pam, the first two participants to undertake this test gave this one short and somewhat breathless quote 'where's my keys, where's my phone'? We have no idea what this meant but judging from their eyes which were both double-glazed we'd say that the test had done its job.