Written by Dave Stewart
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Tags: Music

Saturday, 9 June 2012

The Assistant Chairman of the National Organisation for Classical Music yesterday revealed the truth regarding allegations made against the genre by members of the public. Sir George Michael was ostensibly forced into making the following statement due to the mounting protests from the masses that classical music was unconstitutional as a genre.

Sir Michael made the statement in Bonn on Tuesday:

"The NOCM has decided, after much deliberation, to clarify some truths regarding classical music and also to respond to various allegations of false advertising. It is true that classical music wanders aimlessly without ever finding a proper tune, exempting music such as Beethoven 9-4 (63) which do at least have a catchy melody to them.

The rest of the genre is, quite frankly, music that we pretend with others to be interested in but in fact find it personally boring and over rated. I, myself, force myself to listen to Mozart in an attempt to glean some understanding on why we are treating this form of music with such now admittedly undeserved reverence and reputation.

If you were to ask me, would I rather go and see Pink Floyd live in London 1976, or sit through Vivaldi's 'Four Seasons', you would find me singing 'Wish You Were Here' to lighter-waving. Rather than sitting through an existential ennui with other middle class people who also get a feeling of superiority by commenting at dinner parties they think Bach is better than the Beatles."

The scam appears to date back to the 18th Century, when a 14 year old boy from Austria created what sounds exactly like what a 14 year boy would do these days if he couldn't play a piano. Some Mozart fans have anonymously contributed to the debate by commenting that they actually prefer getting drunk and singing along to 'Bohemian Rhapsody' rather than playing the orchestral CDs that gather dust in their CD cabinet.

An investigation into the scam itself will be conducted and orchestrated by Ringo Starr who summed up the fiasco:

"Just 'cos it's really old doesn't mean it's good."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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