Written by birbee
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Thursday, 7 June 2012

image for The Seaton Carew Diaries: Thursday 7th June 2012

Well, I had some blinding news this week, real fucking blinding.

I don't have a fuel card for my company car, but I can claim back my business miles. Now this might sound good, but if I only drive to the office and back from Monday to Friday then I travel 700 miles and all of them 700 miles are personal and therefore I cannot claim. But, you are probably thinking, when you do business miles then you probably make up for it.
Like fuck do I.

The tax man decrees that I am entitled to claim 13p per mile, which means that I need to hit 51mpg just to break even. Anything over 51mpg is a bonus and goes towards my private mileage which means if you are stuck in a long tailback and at the front is some wanker in a black Volkswagen Passat estate doing 70mph then that wanker is probably me, driving at 70mpg (only on Motorways, of course) to conserve diesel.

I should say, I USED to be able to claim 13p per mile. This has just gone down to 12p per mile. Twelve bastard pence per mile. So now the tailbacks will be even longer as I will be driving at 65mph in order to up my mpg that little bit more. Oh, and I will have to leave a bit earlier to get everywhere at the same time.

As I was driving home tonight I got stuck in a tailback. I wasn't at the front of it, and I know this for sure as I was in the car in the middle of it so I can vouch for meslef.
Anyhoo, I was driving along, slowly, and when we got to the cause of the delay it turned out to be some twat in a Subaru Espresso, or whatever, that had gone into the central reservation on the opposite carriageway. Must have been going at some lick (in the rain) as the central reservation was nearly dividing lanes 2 and 3 on our side. Twat.

I hear that one of the biggest water companies in the country, Thames Severn Wessex Valley Trent Water or whatever it's called, has decided that they may lift the hosepipe ban at the end of the month if this rain keeps up.

Fuckmeroundthewrongway, this is apparently due to the fact that because we have had two very dry winters, and the fact that it hasn't stopped pissing down since before St Swithin's Day, we are in the back end of the wettest drought on record since memories were invented.

But now, dear reader, this wettest drought in living, and most dead people's, memory is about to come to an end.
On June 30th, apparently, which is when the Water Works will be able to decide that the hosepipe ban can be lifted.

But if the wettest drought ever ever ends, does this mean that on the 30th June it will stop raining?
And if it does, does that mean we will enter a dry drought, which will only get worse because the hosepipe ban has been lifted and every man, woman and their dog, even maybe even their cat, will all go out simultaneously and together and hose down everything in sight with their underused hoses?

I went camping last weekend, to celebrate the Jubilee. That's me in the first photo. Along with my car that is now limited to 65mph on a motorway. But that's a story for another day.
Remind me to tell you about it, cause you know I will forget.

I saw some weird clouds on the way home tonight. The sky was full of black clouds, but on the horizon, and lower than the black clouds, were huge white clouds that looked like smoke from a huge fire. It would have had to have been a fuck off bastard big fire though, cause they stretched for miles. Quite impressive.

I was going to take a photo of them but I didn't for two reasons: (1) I would never have been able to capture it on film, or digital sensor but you know what I mean, and (2) I was driving up the M1 at the time. At 65mph.............

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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