Written by Oleg the Tumor

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Saturday, 2 June 2012

image for A Boy's Letter to NASCAR - With Response Plate carburetor racing in space?

Dear NASCAR, my name is Billy Bob.

I am 11 years old and attend Podunk elementary here in Podunk. Our science teacher, Mr. Oakley showed us a picture of a galaxy called 101 in class last Tuesday.

He said that the stars on the inside track aren't going faster than the ones on the outside. In fact, he said the ones on the outside are going faster because they are traveling a greater distance in the same amount of time. This can't be right. Mr. Oakley said they don't really understand it, that it's like looking at a huge painting just rotating out there, but very far away.

I don't know why they hire such dumb teachers, but they do. How can somebody on the outside track be going faster than somebody else on the inside track?

If anybody would understand this sort of thing, it would be somebody at NASCAR.

Mr. Oakley is really just a gym teacher. He doesn't know anything about science, but they fired Mrs. Atkinson, and he has to fill in.

Please help me understand what is going on.


Billy Bob.

Dear Billy Bob,

Thank you for your kind letter. It is nice to know that students still strive to understand that which is truly important.

I have looked into this issue and determined that the M 101 galaxy is not currently running a NASCAR-approved event. Since this is the case, I cannot make any official comment. Obviously, whoever is in charge of the M101 galaxy event doesn't understand the concept of plate-carburetor racing. So if these yahoos, or whoever they are, just want to burn themselves up like that, it's none of our business, son. It just ain't.

Enclosed is a two dollar off coupon for Talladega, my regards to your dad.


Humphrey France Lewis.

Public Relations

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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