Written by CaptainSausage
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Saturday, 2 June 2012

image for The Story of the British Monarchy Our Queen, descendant of dinosaurs

This weekend, Britain celebrates 60 years of the Queen not dying. Most Britons are very grateful that her reign has lasted so long, not least because she keeps Charles off the banknotes.

But how did Britain come to this situation? Why, after so many other countries slaughtered or got fed up with their own monarchies, has Britain continued with its own? The answers lie long ago in history, in an era where dinosaurs roamed the Earth.

The first King of Britain was a dinosaur, Tyrannosaurus Rex. Tyrannosaurus was a kind but cruel leader, whose reign was marred by his inability to reach very far due to his puny arms. Tyrannousaurus was eventually defeated in battle by the French Lord Roger de Courcey and his army of Homo Erectus at the Battle of Milton Keynes. Following the defeat, most future rulers of Britain would be humanoid.

Since then, there have been many different monarchs ruling Britain. Perhaps the most famous of all was King Bob the Cannibal, who ate the leader of France at the time, King Jean the Tasty. King Bob was a just ruler, despite his cannibalism. He usually paid the families of his victims very generously, often inviting them to his dining room personally and letting them taste their relatives. Although in later life he became insane and began eating everyone, including himself.

Another favourite ruler of Britain was King Alan the Indecisive. At the critical Battle of Welwyn Garden City against the French in 1142, Alan couldn't decide whether to attack the French on the left or the right. His eventual compromise tactic of attacking on both sides led the French to panic and surrender quickly. However, in the following peace treaty where the French offered very generous terms, King Alan blew his advantage by being unsure if he should sign or not. He was eventually killed by a charging bull, after being unable to decide which way he should jump to get out of the way.

From King Percy the Fat to Queen Susie the Repugnant, British monarchs have come in all shapes and sizes, but they have one thing which connects them all. They are all related, with the crown usually passing from parent to son/daughter, or less often to a cousin or a clone.

There is only one exception to this unbroken line of breeding stretching back into before recorded history. In 1730, King Colin III was without any living relatives, so he built an mechanical automaton that could take over the crown after he died. King Beep the Shiny was a popular leader, his metal skin wooing primitive crowds into believing he was a god as well as a king. Not only that, but he was a very clever leader as well, and was able to count as high as 79, which was impressive in those days. King Beepy eventually died after a malfunction in which one of the royal doctors attempted to tighten his leg nuts but broke his main cog. The crown passed to one of Beep's half-human German offspring, King Wilhelm, from whom our current monarchy are all descended.

There you have it. Our current monarchy, for all their half-robotic Germanicness, have remained popular enough for us not to kill them, which is all you can really ask for from a hereditary ruler.

So come and join me in a celebratory Jubilee wank this weekend, for the Queen!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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