Written by Hunter Thomas
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Wednesday, 30 May 2012

I was having a really bad day so I jumped off the ledge of the building I worked at and was making my way toward the ground when this pigeon comes flying up beside me, feverishly flapping his wings to keep up with my descent.

"Hey stupid?" The pigeon yelled out.

Surprised, I looked over at the rat with feathers and replied. "I didn't know pigeons could talk?"

"Yea, well it's not like we want people to know those sorts of things." He said with a smart ass look on his beak. "So, what the hell are you doing?"

I didn't know what to think. Here I was falling at terminal velocity talking to a fucking pigeon. "Look can't you just let me die in peace here and just leave me alone?"

The pigeon paused in thought for a moment and said, "Naw, can't do that. Just tell me why you're trying to fly and I'll leave you alone."

"Trying to fly?" I yelled out. "Can't you see I'm trying to kill myself here? I'm putting an end to my misery!"

The pigeon gave me a sympathetic look and replied. "You mind if I eat out your eyeballs after you hit the ground?"

I couldn't believe it. Here I was negotiating with a fucking pigeon that wanted to eat out my eyeballs after I hit the ground. Figuring that it wouldn't matter one way or the other, I said; "Sure, go ahead, I'm not going to need them anyway."

Then a miracle happened.

"Look." The pigeon replied. "Your gesture of allowing me to eat your eyeballs has just gotten you one last wish. What will it be?"

What luck I thought. A last wish from a ditch hawk who wanted to eat out my eyes and here I was plummeting towards the pavement a few seconds away from splattersville.

"Where were you fifteen seconds ago?" I replied.

The pigeon shrugged his wings and said. "Hey pal, take it our leave it, I'm still going to eat out your eyeballs."

Figuring I had nothing to loose I asked for a million dollars and that my boss would end up in a landfill.

All the Pigeon said was "Granted." and then he flew off leaving me to finish my ride down.

A few seconds later I was lying on the sidewalk looking up at the sky. I was alive! Something had broken my fall. I could feel a few broken bones, but nothing too serious. I looked down to see what had padded my descent and saw that I had landed smack on top of my fat slob boss whose huge bulk broke my fall and prevented me from splattering across the pavement. As I stared at his lifeless eyes, I realized that it was one part of my wish that had come true.

As the paramedics wheeled me off toward the awaiting ambulance, I looked over and saw the pigeon who granted me my wish swoop in and begin pecking away and eating out my bosses eyeballs, he paused for a moment, swallowed part of an optic nerve and gave me a wink. I smiled back and waved good-by. Then, I remembered the other part of my wish for the million dollars and shouted out to the gorging pigeon. "Hey, what about the million dollars?"

He paused, looked up and gave me another wink and continued to work on the second eyeball as they loaded me into the ambulance.

A few months later I was fully recovered. True to his word, the other part of my wish came to be when I was awarded 1.2 million dollars by the owners of the building I had jumped off of for not installing locks to the roof top doors to keep people from jumping off the building. I never saw that magical pigeon again. But every now and then I do go to the park and sit on a bench and feed the little ditch hawks bread crumbs in hope that I would once again have a conversation with a pigeon.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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