Written by Hunter Thomas
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Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Ball Banger Virginia- Police responded to the scene of a horrific accident involving a Toyota Prius and a School bus full of Nuns. The driver of the Prius, Bob Baily of West Hankin PA., was extracted from his crumpled vehicle by paramedics who had to employ the use of the "Jaws of Life" to get him out.

A bio-hazard unit was dispatched to the scene when paramedics reported an unknown substance which was discovered on the accident victim's windshield causing the paramedics to fall ill. As the bio hazard team neutralized the hazardous substance, Police spokesman Corporal Henry Regan, told reporters that the accident occurred when Mr. Baily ingested a burger, chocked, and then regurgitated onto the interior windshield of his vehicle effectively blocking his line of vision and causing him to swerve into the path of the oncoming bus load of Nuns returning from a gambling junket to Atlantic City. Corporal Regan went on to tell reporters that so far this year there have been 243 highway accidents related to the consumption of food items while driving and that these accidents were all avoidable.

"I'm sick and tired of cleaning up after fast food retailers!" Officer Reagan explained. "It takes two hands to drive people! Start using them!"

The above story focuses on the need for fast food producers to come up with a viable solution for the ingestion of its food like substances. In our never ending fight to bring some sense of order to the insanity of corporate greed, this reporter is addressing this issue with the following article which we hope will shed some light on this serious issue.

How to Eat a Burger without Using your Hands While Driving

Ok, so you're some kind of powerful hungry. Hungry enough so that the thoughts and memories of the last time you stuffed your gizzard to the point of belly busting, nauseating gluttony does nothing to deter you from what is obviously a poor choice of nutritional replenishment. With your salutatory glands stimulated to the point of overproduction, you pull into the easiest most convenient way in which to obtain sustenance, the drive thru.

Pulling up to the drive thru window, you order the number 6; extra large and super size it. Your order now consists of 2 burgers, an over priced bucket sized soda and an extra large order of french fries served up in a cardboard container the size of a size 14 sneaker. Since you're in a rush to get where ever it is that you need to be going, you avoid the humiliation of pulling into a parking space next to the drive thru exit and stuffing your face as the people waiting in the drive thru line traffic stare at you wondering why you're sitting alone outside in your car eating like a ravenous wolf.

Not today Mr. You have someplace important to be and will be eating your meal while driving a ton and a half of steel down the road at 70 miles an hour. In all probability, in addition to the eating you will also have a cell phone stuck to the side of your head, be listening to the radio and trying to keep an eye on a GPS device.

Due to the epidemic increase in highway accidents related to driver distraction the Federal Highway Administration has developed new terminology to describe these sorts of behaviors. S.Y. for example means a "stuffer-yapper". Hence, you're driving and stuffing your face as you yap away on your cell phone.

B.D. means "booby distraction", which also happens to be the number one cause of vehicular accidents not just here in the United States but around the world and involves the observation of gawking at the protruding mammaries of the female persuasion. In addition to the above definitions, the Highway Safety Administration has another classification it uses more regularly for these sorts of behaviors, which is D.O.A.

So now you have your food like substance sitting in a bag beside you filling the compartment of your car with the aroma of predigested delight. You reach over and grab one of the burgers out of the bag and encounter what has recently been classified by the National Institute of Health as "motorist multi tasking syndrome".

Considering that most people these days avoid the embarrassment and social stigma of being seen sitting in a fast-food restaurant gorging on substandard food by patronizing the drive-thru, means that there are a lot of people on the road trying to figure out a way in which to consume a sloppy mass of food while driving a lethal weapon, that in reality requires the use of two hands to maintain proper control.

It's surprising that the corporate geniuses have not yet devised or been regulated by the government to find a way for people to eat their food with one hand while driving and talking on a cell phone with the other. It's not for lack of trying.

A few years back, the Americans with disability act tried to force retailers to redesign their food containers so that it would take only one hand to open and consume their culinary delights. There were also inquiries to see if they could get them to design packaging in which people could use their feet as an option to open and consume food there upon freeing up their hands to properly maintain control of their vehicles. Corporate lawyers saw differently and lobbied heavy on Capitol Hill explaining to law makers that to do this would require an expensive retrofit of their packing process which would force them to have to pass on the cost to consumers.

The lawyers also went on to explain that people could, if necessary, forgo opening the packaging and eat the box containing the food. In a case that was heard by the Supreme Court, it was argued that the box had as much as if not more nutritional value as the burger, so eating the box was something that was considered a viable solution to actually opening the box and extracting the burger by hand.

Since the bill was shot down in flames, you are now forced to drive with your legs while engaging the use of both of your hands to fumble with the box to get the burger to the intended target, your mouth.

So there you are driving down the traffic congested highway at a high rate of speed with the burger you just pulled out of the bag, nestled away inside a cardboard box waiting for consumption. You manage to open the box but are now faced with another obstacle in which to satisfy your now ravenous hunger, a cardboard band wrapped around your burger that is used to hold the food slop on the bun.

Believe it or not, there is actually a name for this card board band. It's called a "Slopinator", which was invented by scientist to solve the problem of containing the sloppery of the contents of a burger, which is made up of two meat like patties held together with a special sauce, some chemically treated lettuce, and a generous portion of cheap sour tasting pickles from leaking out all over the consumers pants.

To remove this band and get a proper grasp on the burger, you once again take your hands off the wheel of your car, remove the card board band and as quickly as possible raise the food toward your gaping food hole. It is at this point where statistics come into play.

According to the Highway Safety Administration 42% percent of the people who perform this action raise the burger to there awaiting mouth and before they can even take that first bite, slam into an oncoming vehicle and end up being extracted from their crumpled vehicle by paramedics using the "jaws of life".

22% percent of those taking this action actually got to take the first bite only to begin choking, and then regurgitating the ingested burger onto the windshield of their speeding car, effectively blocking their vision and resulting in a head on collision or the slamming of the vehicle into a retaining wall which ended up with the consumer being extracted by paramedics with the "jaws of life".

18% percent actually end up eating and finishing the "Big Sloppy", which, in addition to failing to meet the minimum requirements to qualify as a food source, is intentionally loaded with thirst producing sodium chloride supplements requiring the purchase and intake of massive quantities of huge profit margin soda products, forcing you to once again, take your hands from the steering wheel of your vehicle to reach over and grab the bucket size container of soda to replenish the thirst producing effects of the sodium chloride and to rinse away the foul after taste which, is also a corporate intended result to entice you into making additional purchases of other items on the menu to help you to get the foul taste out of your mouth.

The Federal Highway Administration has reported a small variance to this statistic in that there was a small up tick in the percentages due to the removal of the straw from its wrapper and inserting it into the beverage top. During this act, the hands were off the wheel, and the eyes focused on the task of getting the straw into the small hole in the lid of the beverage container. Upon accomplishing this task, the driver would then raise the soda to his mouth, look up and slam into an on coming vehicle and end up being extracted from his crumpled vehicle by paramedics with the "jaws of life".

So that leaves us with the still unsolved dilemma of how to eat your burger and drive safely.

Wemo Wesenfal, a scientist at the "Safer Consumer Labs of America", recommends that drivers purchase their meal and pull over to the side of the road for approximately 60 seconds and perform the following task.

Take the burger and french fries out of their containers and roll them together into the shape of a food ball. He then instructs that one should take the food ball and quickly soak it in the container of soda and wrap it into a napkin to absorb any drippage. You then take the food ball and insert a pencil or old pen to use as a handle and continue on your way using a single hand to hold the food ball, and consume it like an over sized lollipop.

So there you have it. A solution, if employed properly, just might save your life. If any reader has any other ideas, please post them here and let us know.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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