Written by CaptainSausage
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Wednesday, 30 May 2012

image for A life without arsehole-dar How is your arsehole-dar? Try to spot the arsehole in this photo

Tommy Gusset is a fairly normal man, living in the suburbs of a major British town. But beneath his seemingly ordinary exterior, there lies a man whose life has been cursed because he has no arsehole-dar.

Most people can spot arseholes a mile off, or at least once they have opened their mouth, but not Tommy. Tommy cannot tell an arsehole from a normal person until it is much much too late. His tolerance of arseholes is so high that he once read the whole of Simon Cowell's biography.

This problem is slowly ruining his life. Earlier this month, he was sitting on a bus when a strange man sat next to him and began talking to him. Instead of doing what any decent self-respecting human being would do, and telling the freak to get lost, Tommy let the man continue. It was a disastrous mistake. By the end of the bus journey, the stranger was raving like a madman and everyone else was staring at him and Tommy as though they were one and the same.

It gets worse. Because he has no arsehole-dar, and arseholes are everywhere, Tommy has ended up surrounded by them. He lives with arseholes. He works with arseholes. He even has an arsehole - although that is apparently quite normal.

The worst thing that happened to him was last year, when he was drinking with his arsehole friends in an arsehole pub. Everyone was a bit arseholed, and the arseholes decided to show their arseholes to a passing police car. Tommy and his arsehole friends had their arses hauled off to prison where they received fines for arson.

Tommy has now paid his fine, and has started attending arsehole recognition therapy. However, things may be too late for him. He has already begun to pick up the habits of his arsehole friends and has developed the first signs of PMS (Piers Morgan Syndrome).

If left unchecked, he could develop into a 50%, a 70% or even a complete arsehole. When that happens, there will be no way back for him.

Can you spare some money for people like Tommy? Just £1 will go towards helping him and others in his situation to get them away from arseholes, and possibly even save them from PMS.

Send £1, or whatever you can spare, to Arseholes Anonymous now, or else. Because you know, arseholes have feelings too.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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