Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 23 May 2012

image for Local Man Gets Something In His Eye As He Watches 'The Chase' On ITV Shuttlecock's Good Eye On A Good Day

Local Man, Martin Shuttlecock, reportedly a globetrotting trout tickler of some repute, today revealed that he got something in his eye, as he settled down at teatime to watch ITV's flagship pre-news quiz programme, 'The Chase' on the television.

"I don't know what it was, but it hurt like buggery," Shuttlecock grumbled. "I had to take a couple of tablets because me eyeball came up all red and that. And a beer to wash 'em down."

The accident occurred as Shuttlecock was visibly wincing, as he watched the rather pathetic attempt by a student to outperform Chaser, Anne Hegarty, aka: The Governess, or Frosty Knickers, depending on personal preference.

The Student, a chappie named Nick, whose lifetime ambition is to woo Cheryl Cole out of Girls Aloud, didn't perform too well in his cash builder round, answering only two questions correctly.

Before completely bottling it and going for the Chaser's derisory offer of £0.00, in the hope of getting through to the final chase.

Even with a head start, Nick still didn't stand a cat in hell's chance.

Which was hardly surprising really, considering that he answered that the Cochlea is located in the eye, a marionette is a rod puppet, and that Nora Batty out of Last Of The Summer Wine's on screen husband was named Seymour.

Indeed, the show had only one finalist qualify; a chap named Richard, who eventually lost out to The Governess when she absolutely nailed the final question, which asked: Who or what was comedian Rod Hull's partner?

With the answer: Emu!

"It wasn't Richard though," Shuttlecock revealed. "It was the student who was having a go when something hit me in the eye. I don't know which hurt most - Nick the student or me blinkin' eye!"

(No pun intended.)

"I reckon it's this unseasonable weather that's making everybody a bit loopy," Shuttlecock confided to a Dorking Review reporter. "But whatever it was that hit me in the eye, it didn't half sting. I had to do that thing where you pull your top eyelid over your bottom eyelid in the hope of making your eye water, and flushing the offending bit out.

"It was painful. I know women go on about childbirth and stuff like that as being really dead 'orrible painful, but this was much more acute.

"Anyway, I managed to flush whatever it was out. Luckily pour moi, I'm dead good at first aid, me. Providing it's not too gruesome. That student bloke just made it worse. He'd never have been picked for the team on University Challenge - and I know all about that, because I know people who watch University Challenge. To be honest, I'm more of a Deal Or No Deal man meself. Even I know that nobody ever beats The Chaser.

"So, what I did was, I wiped whatever it was what was in me eye away with the sleeve of me tee shirt. I know I should have used a bit of sterile tissue paper, or an eyebath or something like that, but I couldn't see properly, and I had to act fast. I still don't know what it was that landed in me left lamp - but I'll probably have a look at me sleeve later."

Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne - who had been enjoying a brief nap at the time of the incident - did not witness the dramatic sequence of events as they unfolded.

She told The Dorking Review this:

"I think we can safely say he's off the critical list, and nobody's about to test my emotional stability by suggesting that it might be best for all concerned if we turn off his life support. His left eyeball is a bit bloodshot, that's all. If you ask me, I'd say he's poked himself in the eye, because he really is a daft bastard. I suppose it gives him something to write about. Everybody ignores the buffoon on Arsebook and Twatter, so I suppose really, that in the final analysis, this could be viewed as a cry for help. Well he won't be getting any help from me. If the batchy bastard decides to poke his own eyeballs out he deserves everything that comes his way."

Shuttlecock merely countered by saying that he was 'tired and emotional.'

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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