Written by Inchcock
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Saturday, 23 June 2012

image for Nottingham News for W/E: 23rd June 2012 Just an idea for a cheap form of punishment for muggers in Nottingham?

Sunday 10th June 2012

Monday 18th June 2012

Topic: Crime - Robbery - Violence

"Cash stolen in security van raid in Bingham, Notts"

Source:Source: BBC News

Extract: Two men are being sought by police following the theft of cash from a security van in Bingham, Nottingham.

The Vauxhall van was parked outside Toot Hill School, in The Banks, at about 11:45 BST when thieves struck.

Police said a large amount of cash was stolen from the rear of the vehicle. The driver was uninjured.

One of the men is described as stocky, with a shaved head and wearing a black tracksuit. The second man is about 6ft tall, with short dark hair.

Both men are believed to be in their early to mid-20s.

Anyone who witnessed the theft is urged to contact police.

Comment: I suppose they knew that Cameron had taken away the Nottingham policemen to police the London Olympics?

Tuesday 19th June 2012

Topic: Nottingham Lottery Winners

What do new millionaires spend their winnings on?

Source: This is Nottingham

Extract: Notts has had its fair share of luck in 2012, with more than £90 million won since January.

Alan and Kim Elliott from Aspley are the latest millionaires. They will be spending their winnings on their family and friends.

They followed on from Jim and Maureen Emerton, who won £4.45 million in March and plan to spend their new found fortune on a new house.

Meanwhile the Euromillions draw found fame with two of the biggest winners ever in the UK. Matt Topham and Cassey Carrington (where Inchy resides) won £46 million in February and in late January Gareth and Catherine Bull scooped £40 million.

And these winners are just those who have gone public.

But what do these fortunate folk buy?

We at the National Lottery have gazed behind the expensive net curtains of lottery winners' mansions across the country and the findings are not what you might expect.

Half of winners move home within three months of their win, but what are essentials any new millionaire needs in their new abode?

Well, 24 per cent of winners have bought electric gates to improve security.u!)

Inside their homes, 28 per cent have got a walk-in wardrobe, 22 per cent have bought a games room, 17 per cent have decided a snooker table is a good way to spend their cash, while 16 per cent have had a gym installed.

Meanwhile, 12 per cent have decided they need somewhere to store all of that champagne and bought themselves a bar.

One millionaire even admitted having three pianos.

It seems the essential millionaire item outside the house is a hot tub, with 29 per cent buying one, while nine per cent have had a lake put in their grounds and one winner even deciding on a wishing well.

Perhaps surprisingly only 30 per cent of millionaires have a cleaner, but 24 per cent keep their fingers clean by employing a gardener.

And if you are looking for a little animal magic to bring you luck you need to stick with man's best friend - 22 per cent of millionaires have a new dog, but only four per cent have a cat.

So it seems that when planning your spending any millionaire needs to needs these essentials - a giant wardrobe, a hot tub, a cleaner and a dog.

Comment: I am glad for them. If I won (Ha ha ha!) I'd get me roof and central heating repaired first! Then get some private medical help.

Wednesday 20th June 2012

Topic: Crime - Theft - Mugging - Violence

"Man arrested over necklace robbery from 80 year-old woman!"

Source: BBC News

Extract: A man has been arrested in connection with a robbery in which an 80-year-old Nottingham woman had her necklace snatched.

Two men went into her bungalow on Bestwood Road, Hucknall, at about 22:30 BST on 11 June and forced her to the floor.

The men took the necklace from her and searched her bedroom before they fled.

Police said the woman was not injured but was shaken. The arrested man, 19, from Hucknall, has been bailed.

'Callous attack': Crimestoppers has offered a £5,000 reward to anyone who provides information leading to the arrest and conviction of those responsible for the robbery.

The men who broke into the woman's home are thought to be in their early 20s.

One was just over 5ft (1.52m) tall, while the other was taller and wore a hooded top with a scarf around his face,

Comment: Scum!

Thursday 21st June 2012

Topic: Crime - Murder

"Man arrested in Nottingham shopping centre over body find"

Source: BBC News

Extract: A 21-year-old man has been arrested in a Nottingham shopping centre on suspicion of murder after a body was found in the city centre.

Officers found the body of a 29-year-old man near the rear of a Pizza Express on King Street, off Parliament Street, at 22:20 BST on Wednesday.

A Tesco store in the Victoria Centre is closed and the area around the restaurant has been cordoned off.

The 21-year-old remains in police custody and will be questioned later.

If anyone witnessed or has any information about the incident, they should telephone Nottinghamshire Police on 101 or Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111.

Comment: Another murder in Nottingham - it's almost commonplace nowadays!

Friday 22nd June 2012

Topic: Crime - Murder

"Man jailed for life over Nottingham mother's murder"

Source: Nottingham Police Site

Extract: A man has been jailed for a life, to serve a minimum of 22 years, after he was found guilty of murdering his former partner following a trial in Nottingham.

Andrew Kemp, 48, of Vale Road, Colwick, had admitted stabbing Leighann Wightman at her home in Norman Street, Netherfield, on 15 October last year, but claimed he had lost control after she had attacked him.

A jury at Nottingham Crown Court took less than two hours to convict him of murder after hearing evidence during a trial.

Mum of one Leighann, 24, had previously been in an abusive relationship with Kemp, who had a long history of violence spanning more than 27 years.

In August last year, Kemp pleaded guilty to common assault on Leighann and was handed a two-year community order with a condition to attend a two-year domestic abuse programme. He was also given a restraining order which prohibited him from visiting Leighann or going to Norman Street.

However in October he breached this order and visited Leighann after going out drinking. He forced his way into her home and subsequently stabbed her eight times before leaving the property.

The court heard how he had pursued her around the house, stabbing her repeatedly. She clearly defended herself and had a total of 27 knife injuries. He then left her to die in the bedroom.

Kemp was treated shortly afterwards by paramedics after he was traced in the area and refused to explain why he had injuries and blood on his clothes. 

Police later discovered Leighann's body in the bedroom inside her Norman Street home, and then Kemp was arrested at a friend's house in Colwick.

Comment: If he serves the 22-years (Not that I anticipate he will), he'll be free and living... is that fair?

Friday 22nd June 2012

Topic: Road closures - Olympic Torch

"Nottinghamshire torch relay road closure warning"

Source: BBC News

Extract: Businesses and motorists across Nottinghamshire are being urged to plan for the Olympic Torch relay.

On 28 June it will pass through the districts of Bassetlaw, Mansfield, Newark and Sherwood and Rushcliffe before reaching Nottingham city centre.

After spending the night in Nottingham, it will move on to Derbyshire on Friday 29 June.

Comment: "I hope the closures don't affect the Big Issue sellers, the Benefit signer-oners, the JCP clients, the transportation of prisoners to and from the busy Nottingham courts, the Muggers activities, the drug-pushing gangs, or the shoplifters of Nottingham too much!"

Saturday 23rd June 2012

Topic: Crime - Murder (again)

"Nottinghamshire dad killed in bust-up over wheelie-bins"

Source: This is Nottingham

Extract: A simmering feud over a patch of land where a Notts pensioner put his wheelie bins ended in a deadly confrontation. Grandad Ray Tindall had once been friends with neighbour Jeffrey Burton, a 60-year-old former parish councillor.

But Burton stabbed him to death after the argument about the three-foot strip of land boiled over.

New details about what led to the attack have emerged after Mr Tindall's son Jim spoke out for the first time about his father's killing on what had been a peaceful family Boxing Day last year.

"He was just a good grandfather and a loving dad," Jim Tindall told the Post.

"It's still very difficult and very hard for us all. We knew they'd been arguing, but we didn't know how far it had got."

Burton went round to Ray Tindall's village home in Rainworth, attacking him with a hatchet and a knife.

Only two days before the attack, Burton had been told he was terminally ill.

He never faced trial for the killing, dying in hospital before the case came to court.

Comment: Mankind at its crudest, saddest, and most violent!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

76 readers are online right now!

Go to top