Written by Nick Hobbs
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Saturday, 19 May 2012

image for The Joy Of Customer Services (Or: How To Bite One's Lip 'Til It Bleeds) After the call, Dan went on a rampage of anger and hatred towards all manner of cutlery.

What follows is an actual transcript of a telephone conversation that took place during a normal working day in an office in the UK.

It is a snap shot of the levels of customer services that can be expected from a typical British company.

Names and specific product have been changed to protect the guilty, and to further explain the frustration encountered by the person making the enquiry.

If the exact product asked about was used here, I feel that some of the humour would be lost, as many of you reading would not be familiar with the articles themselves and the inherent differences between the products. However, rest assured, this conversation took place between a qualified dealer of the product and a so-say qualified supplier of the product.

#Telephone rings and is answered by the supplier.#

Supplier : Hello, Tableware Incorporated, Julie speaking..

Dealer : Hi Julie, it's Dan at Roger Berg's Kitchenware.

Supplier : Who?

Dealer : It's Dan, I'm calling from Roger Berg's..

Supplier : Where?

Dealer : Roger Berg's, we have an account with you..account number 10066.

Supplier : Oh, hi Roger.

Dealer : No, it's Dan, I'm calling from Roger Berg's...

Supplier : Who?

Dealer : Look, I was wondering if you could email me a price list of all the spoons you do. I have a customer who is interested in buying a load, but I need to know the various types you do.

Supplier : Spoons? Yeah, we sell those.

Dealer : Yeah, I know. So can you email me the price list?

Supplier : Do you want forks?

Dealer : No thanks, just the spoons. He only wants spoons.

Supplier : Who?

Dealer : My client. He's just interested in spoons. Can you do it?

Supplier : No problem. Do you want knives as well?

Dealer : Nope. Just the spoons.

Supplier : OK. So that's ladles as well then....spoons...cutlery sets...let's see...

Dealer : ...no, just the spoons. Nothing else. Just spoons.

Supplier : But you want ladles though, yeah?

Dealer : Well, it's sort of a spoon, but no, just standard normal spoons. Tea spoons, table spoons, soup spoons and dessert spoons, y'know? That's it. Nothing else..

Supplier : Well, if I send you everything, then you can decide what you want.

Dealer : Yes, but I know he only wants the spoons.

Supplier : Oh, which make?

Dealer : Well I'm not sure yet, that's why I want the price list, so he can look it over and decide for himself!

Supplier : OK Roger, I'll send you everything then. So, that's forks...spoons...knives...now..

Dealer : OK, fine, send it all...and it's Dan.

Supplier : Who?

Dealer : Never mind...

Supplier : What's your email address?

Dealer : It's 'stores'...

Supplier : What?

Dealer : 'Stores', that's 's' 't' 'o' 'r' 'e' 's'...

Supplier : All one word?

Dealer : ...(sigh)........yes........

Supplier : OK?

Dealer : @ Roger Berg Kitchenware, all one word...

Supplier : Who?

Dealer : @ ROGER BERG KITCHENWARE, that's 'r' 'o'...

Supplier : Yeah OK, I got that Roger.

Dealer : .... dot co dot UK....and it's Dan...

Supplier : OK, so that's store@rogerbergkitchenware.com

Dealer : ...it's 'stores', with an 's'. 'STORES'....

Supplier : Yeah, 'store' with an 's'..got it!

Dealer : ...NO! 'StoreS' with an 's' at the end!

Supplier : Oh, sorry, you should have been clearer!

Dealer : ....sorry. And it's dot co dot UK, not dot com.

Supplier : OK, no worries. 'stores@rogerbergkitchenware.co.uk', no worries. I'll send it over.

Dealer : Thanks, how long will it be?

Supplier : It should be about eight pages, it prints quite small, but as you're having the complete list and not just a specific product, it obviously takes up more space.

Dealer : I meant how long until you send it, and I only want the spoons. You can narrow it down to just the spoons!

Supplier : Oh, I'll send it now. I'd have to go in to Excel and chop it about if you just want the spoons, but you did say that your customer wasn't sure what he wanted, so it's best he has it all.

Dealer : ..well, he really just wants the spoons, but OK...I'll wait for it to come through.

Supplier : Anything else I can help with today Roger?

Dealer : No, Julie, you've done enough, thanks. And it's Dan.

Supplier : Who?

Dealer : ...never mind. Bye.

Supplier : Bye.

#Handset placed down#.

This happened two days ago. Dan is still waiting for his email. He hasn't the heart or strength of will to call Julie again to chase it up.

God bless Great Britain.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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