* Who cuts your hair?
* Do you model your management style on Basil Fawlty or Gordon Brittas?
* How the hell did you get in as London Mayor - AGAIN?
Would you still have won if Labour had put someone else instead of Ken Livingstone up against you?
* Wasn't it enough making a fool of yourself on comedy panel shows, now you have to do it as Mayor of London?
* Is it true you've hired an orangutan as your body double? Or just to write your speeches?
* Got any spare Olympic tickets for me?
* Why is the Olympic Marathon finishing in the West End of London, instead of coming through Tower Hamlets (of the host boroughs) and finishing in the Olympic Stadium?
* Are you going to mention the wiff-waff again at the opening ceremony, like you did in Beijing four years ago?
* Are you going to return the support to old Bullingdon Club friend David Cameron when the sh*t hits the fan at the Leveson Inquiry?
* Next stop 10 Downing Street for Boris?
Gawd help us!