Written by Dan Cun
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Thursday, 17 May 2012

image for Internet Dating - How Not To Start A Relationship (Number 3)

This series of articles details some of the real (and yes, despite being a spoof site these e-mails are real) sent users on dating websites.

The identity of both the sender and receiver of this e-mail have been hidden.

From: BigDaddy2012
To: KittyKat

Okay, your profile states you are only interested in Jewish men....did you not realize that? It put me off from contacting you earlier (not because I am a Nazi or anti-Israel) - I am very considerate like that, if it says a height, body type, race or age or religion that is specified and if I do not fit that criteria then I just usually deelte the profile...I wonder how many more people have made that mistake?

I did find it odd that you were looking for slender asian men, with blond hair and blue eyes who spoke French only and were Jewish and had to be the sign of Scorpio and also weigh 250 lbs. Did you get many hits from that? How did that pan out?

My criteria of Dutch speaking latinas who were Budhist and no taller than 3ft 5, born on a Tuesday, with a mother called Derek only got me one e-mail...and then it turned out her mother was called Arthur!

I am from Detroit, originally, well if I am from there then originally becomes irrelevant. NOw I live here,...land of the shallow, vain, petty, greedy and dumb blonds...but that is enough about my brother.

I often get stopped in the street and asked if I am Brad Pitt's better looking brother or even Pitt himself (without the acne scars) and having a body of an athelete, a swimmer, not a baseball player, I am also very intelligent.

Actually it isn't Brad Pitt I look like it is that other actor from that other movie, Denzil Washington? No, not him, the other guy who is really a hearthrob, erm, John Candy, yes John Candy. Not heartthrob, heart attack.

Oh, I have a tip for you, if you are ever on a date never open with the line "oh, shit, was I supposed to bring the condoms or were you?' - every time I have opened with that one I have either had a glass/cup of water/wine/coffee/urine thrown at me and yes, there are women who carry around bottles of urine for just an occasion.

Well, looking forward to hearing from you, you do look like your photo right? Most women look fucking horrible in real life.

Thanks

Bernie

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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