Written by Dan Cun
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Thursday, 17 May 2012

image for Internet Dating - How Not To Start A Relationship (Number 1)

This series of articles details some of the real (and yes, despite being a spoof site these e-mails are real) sent users on dating websites.

The identity of both the sender and receiver of this e-mail have been hidden.

From: BigDaddy2012
To: Cougar Barbie 1972

BIG DADDY NEEDS SOME LOVING

Hi Baby,

How you doing?

I noticed that you have been checking out my profile and of course that is natural, you are a woman after all and I guess that you probably want to ask me on date but are just too shy.

Okay, so I think honesty is always the best policy.

My profile is totally false, in fact the photos are not even me, I am married, happily married actually with three young kids but I am bored with the routine mundane life of being married so I am looking for a bit of fun, you know, kind of like having a girlfriend just for booty calls and such.

We would have to keep our affair secret of course and I could never take you out in public in case we were seen so you really need to have a nice place and be able to cook because we will not be able to eat out.

Also I hope you have a good cable package as I love just lounging around watching sports - also have HBO etc as I like to have the TV on all the time.

You need to get me some beers so the fridge needs to be stocked at all times.

So, what are you waiting for? E-mail me back and then I will arrange a place where you can pick me up, as my driving license is currently suspended due to a DUI, I like fast food, so maybe order me a couple of pizzas, some chips, extra beer, more chips, some cakes and of course get something for yourself.

I can spend Wednesday's and most weekends at your place, as I don't have any hobbies or go to the gym I have a lot of free time, apart from visiting my probation officer and getting the injections for my diabetes (I am clinically obese). Also grab me a pack of smokes before you come get me.

Thanks

"Big" Al Myscovich

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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