An open letter to:
Mariska Hargitay, Charlize Theron, Viola Davis, Kristin Davis, Denise Richards, Sheryl Crow, Sandra Bullock, Katherine Heigl, Madonna, Angelina Jolie, Nicole Kidman, Calista Flockhart, Michelle Pfeiffer, Meg Ryan, Sharon Stone, and Jamie Lee Curtis.
The Nottingham Social Services/Benefits Office.
Dear ...........(whichever and all celebrities selected)
My name is Ms Abagbe Awolowo, I am the manager of the Nottingham adoption Agency & Support Department.
I am writing to you, after reading of you wonderful efforts in adopting children of all types and offering them a home and love, to inform you of someone we have in our care that has been waiting to be adopted and loved for a while now (64 years).
He is called Inchcock Chambers, but answers to Sad Git, Bum, Dog Breath and Bozzo as well.
He is fully potty trained, although a certain amount of leakage is to be expected after hernia, prostate cancer, and heart-valve replacement operations.
We feel he can offer something different and enrich the lives of any rich parents or persons who are willing to give him a chance. Not all children in need of adoption come readily endowed with the knowledge of pain, angina, impetigo, fleas, baldness, bad eyesight, arthritis, and he is very capable of changing his hearing-aid batteries on his own, when he can remember where he's left them!
He can already walk, painfully and not too far, and without the aid of a stick or zimmer-frame!
His pension would of course be paid directly to yourself.
He does not drink or socialise, and is used to eating only the basic foods, so his upkeep should not be too expensive at all.
He'll play happily for hours on end on a laptop with internet connection, a simple easy crossword-book, or a Beano annual.
Will he fit in?
He is currently 5' 3" inches tall, and fifteen stone, with well developed saggy stomach. So narrow gaps/doors seem the only problem with this.
The NHS have agreed to supply his medications: Furosomide, Codeines, Trental modified release, Warfarin, Simvastin, Ramparil, Lactulos, Bisopropol (beta-blockers), Omeprazole, Ibuprofen pain gel, and Corticosteroids at no cost to you.
We feel that the stories of the old days he relates could be of entertainment and educational value to you and your family.
His long term memory is excellent.
If you feel you could possibly offer this pensioner a home, please, please get in touch.
He takes his bi-monthly bath without assistance, he can clean both of his teeth himself, and it adept at applying the TCP and Cortisone cream for himself too.
The staff here have had a collection, and are willing to offer the £3,045.43 raised to the family who are willing to take him off our hands, even for a brief period.
I'd like to assure you that Inchcock took no part in the riots last summer here in Nottingham, in fact he was in hospital at the time.
The charge of his inciting a riot with his political news spoofs was dropped anyway.
His stay at the Mapperley Mental institute, was merely a precautionary one.
If you should insist, a photo can be provided, if absolutely necessary.
I hope to hear from you in the near future.
Please bear in mind this is a desperate plea, from a desperate department, on behalf of a desperate orphan.
Ms Abagbe Awolowo